BeEzrat HaShem
Back to Q&A

Please give me halachically and ideological perspectives on a father taking something away from his son as a punishment.

Asked on November 6, 2026

Answer

Listen, taking away a child's possessions as punishment is something you have to be extremely careful about. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach teaches us that when you take away all of a child's toys, it's a very evil thing to do. Why? Because to that child, his toys are like your bank account, your car, your house, your stock portfolio as an adult. You take his stuff away completely, it's the same thing as if somebody hid your entire financial life from you. The child experiences real pain and loss. Imagine if someone came and took away all your material possessions - your cars, your real estate, your collectibles, everything you own. How would you feel? That eight-year-old child feels the same way when you take away all his toys. He doesn't have the maturity to understand it as discipline - you just took away his entire life. If he were older, he'd want to jump off a bridge from the distress. Now, does this mean you never punish? No. You absolutely must punish children. The Torah is clear about this. Mishlei chapter 13 verse 24 says: "One who spares the rod hates his child, but he who loves him disciplines him in his youth." If you don't punish your child when they do wrong, you're not being a loving parent - you're raising a little Hitler. Every good parent must rebuke their child and tell them no at some point. But here's the key: punishment must be done correctly. You have to teach them reward and punishment - yes, there's reward for doing good, but there's punishment for doing bad. However, you cannot just take everything away and leave them with nothing. That's destructive. The right way is this: if you're going to take away a toy or a game, you must replace it with something productive. Tell the child, "I'm taking away your Game Boy, and you're not getting it back until you finish one page of Gemara, until you finish five pesukim, until you watch this entire shiur, or learn your tefillah by heart." Replace the time with something useful and productive, not just punishment alone. Why? Because if you just take it away and leave him in his room to do nothing, he'll replace it with something on his own - and usually what he replaces it with is not good. But if you replace it with something good, not only will you benefit from that replacement, you'll end up having a talmid chacham. The child needs to understand there are consequences, but also that there's a path forward through Torah and mitzvot. Remember, the goal of punishment is not to hurt the child or to be cruel. The goal is chinuch - that they come out straight, that they come out good. When you deal with your child who did something wrong, it's not the same as when someone on the street upsets you or when a business associate gets on your bad side. This is your child, and you're here to educate him. The punishment is meant to make them aware not to do it again, not to destroy them emotionally. So yes, you can take something away as a consequence, but do it with wisdom, with love, and always with a constructive path forward. Never take everything - that's cruelty. And always remember that your goal is to build a righteous child who serves Hashem, not to break their spirit.

BH Headquarters