Shalom Rabbi Reuven, first thank you for your work, you can explain things well even to a beginner Noahide. I was raised in a (still) highly abusive and sadly also antisemitist/racist German Lutheran Christian family. I have complex posttraumatic issues because of this multi - abusive childhood. For that, various therapists who had seen behaviour and letters of my family, adviced me to stop the contact to that family, as otherwise the wounds would be reopened continuously and healing could not even begin. I first had my difficulties to accept that, as it's written to honour the parents, but then I saw that the no-contact actually enables me to listen to Torah lessons and study basic Hebrew, otherwise I would permanently have to recover from retraumatisation attacks, like the 40 years before which I was told by professionals to flee from my parents. Now a local German Rabbi (either Chabad or Orthodox but surely not liberal) made a video about the mitzvah of honouring parents, saying that no matter what they did or do to you, even if you are talking with a therapist, you still have to honour your parents as they surely also did something good, so you have to give them money, visit them, not saying anything against their opinion and so on, as it would be a matter of shame. I asked back if that was also meant for complex traumatized people who got and get abused by non-Torah- parents and were told by therapists to stay away from these parents for healing, and he confirmed immediately that no matter what they do to you, you have to honour them, as it's a matter of shame. I feel very bad now and think I am in kind of a trap. By not obeying to honour the parents I would go against the will of HaShèm, as I possibly would also do by ending in desperate state caused by continuous narcissist abuse, as ending up in a mental state in which people can easily suicide. Not only for the abuse, but also for the fact that there is open antisemitism/racism in that family, there are adulterous matters and forcing me to go to church and so on, I am highly in doubt if that local Rabbi said quite the right thing. I would like to have parents to honour if they would change their ways, of course! But until now, they don't (as I know from my grandmother, a very good person who always tried her best to help me through my difficult childhood, and made quite similar experiences with both my parents). I would highly appreciate your help, if possible (and you would have the will and energy for that) with some good sources. Maybe it could help also people who are in similar situations. תודה רבה.

Asked on August 25, 2020