Beautiful Children Come From MODEST FATHERS

1:39The kids are going to be little supermodels. But we know from evidence that it's not true. There are plenty of good-looking parents with little Gargamel kids and plenty of hideous-looking parents, little trolls, with beautiful kids. Plenty. And I don't just mean looks in terms of physical features. I also mean looks in terms of their personality traits, good middot. You see a little tzaddik, and he always wants good. He just wants to do good. He's kind. She's kind. Merciful. He's merciful. Nice, little good midot. Parents want that. When a parent sees that the kid doesn't want to share, he pretends like it's not a big deal, but he knows inside that he's suffering. If he's a normal parent, he's suffering inside. Why? He knows his kid has a little yetzer hara. Why can't you share? They're sharing with you. Why can't you share? Give them one bagel. Give them one chip. Give them one pretzel. What's the big deal? You have a whole bag. What's the matter with you? You have a bag of a thousand bagels. Give them one. You're not going to eat the whole thing. No, I don't want to eat. The parent said, no, no, he doesn't mean it. He doesn’t know you. What do you mean he doesn't know you? He lived three years. He lived next door to his brother. What happened? Normal parents are suffering. If they're not normal, they're probably worse than the kid. So when a kid has bad middot (character traits), it's suffering for the parents.

3:08It's suffering for the parents. So now, what causes, what leads according to our Torah, Torah MiSinai, for the kid to be beautiful, both in features, physical features, and also in personality, middot. Now, I would have never guessed this because I would have guessed that... Taharat Mishpacha. Taharat Mishpacha is family purity. We have places in the Gemara where Rabbi Akiva sees a young boy that's chutzpan, that's rude. And he sees him and he says, yeah. One of the Chachamim says, yeah, it's probably because his mom was a nidah when she conceived him. The other Chacham says, no, no, it's probably he's a mamzer. It's probably the mom was unfaithful. Rabbi Akiva says, no, it's both. With him, it's both. Like, Rabbi Akiva, how do you know? He goes, let's check. Let's check. They go to the wife. Rabbi Akiva says, I promise you. I promise you, you have olam haba if you tell me the truth here. Because it would be kiddush Hashem. Did you cheat on your husband with his kid? He said,

4:37So, we have sources in the Gemara that say that family purity has significance in regards to the middot (character traits) of a person. It doesn't say anything about looks, though. I'm saying something that will affect looks too. The looks too. Anybody want to guess? The haters are going to hate this one. But it's halakha. They can hate all they want. Plenty of people did that, and their kids turned into little gargoyles. Watching your eyes, you're in the right direction. Okay, there are different things—fine. Garlic, no, that's going to get you a divorce. The kids are not going to have a father. What does it say?

5:37Halacha is... A man is forbidden to engage in intimate relations by the candlelight. This is in Hilchot Issurei Bi'ah according to the Rambam, or Maimonides. These are the halachot regarding forbidden sexual relations. It says a man is forbidden to engage in relations by candlelight. Meaning, you're not supposed to be intimate with your wife when it's light. It's supposed to be dark. And the reason why, as the halacha says, is that you should never get to a point where you're disgusted by something. You know, certain people have certain imperfections on their skin or anything—anything that's there that happens over time or has been there all the time, like birthmarks, and so on. And chas v'shalom, you don't want to ever be disgusted with each other. And also for modesty reasons. We're not the goyim, we're not animals. Now, it doesn't necessarily need to be pitch dark where you can't see each other, but just dark enough. Dark enough. If on Shabbat, he does not have another room and there is light burning,

6:58You should not engage in relations at all. Why is it mentioned on Shabbat? Shabbat is a mitzvah. It's a special mitzvah to be intimate on Shabbat. But if the only room you have in your house has light, it's better not to fulfill this mitzvah. Such is the stringency of not being intimate when there's light. Why? What's all this about? What's all this about? It's forbidden for a Jew to engage in relations during the day. Why? For this is considered brazen conduct, known as azut panim. If he is a Torah scholar who can maintain self-control and not be drawn into continuing such conduct, he may create darkness with his garment and engage in relations. One should not, however, adopt this measure unless he is in great need. In the course of holy conduct, engaging in relations is supposed to be in the middle of the night. That's where it's supposed to be done. Now, most of us will think this has to do with the modesty of the woman, but that's where we're wrong. It also has to do with the modesty of the man. Why? In the next halacha, or two halachos after it,

8:26It says, our Sages forbid a man from engaging in relations with his wife while his heart is focused on another woman. He should not engage in relations while intoxicated, nor while quarreling, as one cannot be intimate after a fight, nor out of hatred. He should not engage in relations when it is against her will, when she is afraid of him, nor when one of them is placed under the ban of ostracism. He should not engage in relations with his wife after he has made the decision to divorce her. If he does so, the children will not be of proper character. They will be those who are brazen, rebellious, and sinful. So here we see that already there are a few things that cause a person to have children who are the opposite of what he wants. The opposite of what he wants.

9:31But if you continue and fast forward, you'll see that it says a person, a man, has to be modest even in the bathroom. Even in the bathroom. Why? Because the modesty of the man, if he's modest specifically during the times of intimacy with his wife, is what is going to give the blessing for the kids to have a good character and to be beautiful. is what is going to give the blessing for the kids to have good character and to be beautiful. It's not the modesty of the woman. Modesty of the woman, of course, it's kal vachomer. But that's just to have the kids. Bezrat Hashem, you have blessing. But if you want them to have good character, you want them to be good looking and so on, stop acting like you're Hashem when you are not. Stop thinking that you're in some movie or something. Modesty of the man applies even at times when you're in the bathroom. We're not allowed to act like animals at any time. Yes, of course, halacha says you're allowed to be with your wife in any way that you want. Yes. But you may have little Gargamel kids. If you're modest and you realize that this is a mitzvah too,

10:59You don't have a filthy mouth. You don't have filthy thoughts. You're thinking about her and not some woman you saw in the street. You constantly make sure you have a clean mind. You have to have a clean mind. Why do you have to have a clean mind? Because the Avot de-Rabbi Natan, chapter 20, teaches us that... First Avot, the first Mishnah, says, the first Pirush says that this mind control, this clean mind, is not a matter of willpower. It's not just a matter of willpower. It's actually directing the attention of your mind from whatever filth is a possible choice to the Torah. It's forcing your mind to think about something holy. Because the Torah is what awakens the influence, which prevents a person's attention from focusing on things that are inappropriate. And this, the Gemara says, they asked one of the wives of the Chachamim in the Gemara, they asked, how did you merit to have every single one of your kids beautiful?

12:25Every one of your kids is beautiful. How? She says, because my husband acted modestly and not boldly, even during times of intimacy. My husband was modest even during that time. Why? Because of the thoughts he had in his mind and how he behaved with his body. has special significance in Hashem, in Shamayim, to such an extent that the Sifrei HaKadoshim, I saw it, Sifrei HaKadoshim say that it actually has that specific, that specific seed, if you will, that specific seed, Hashem blesses it. And that's why in the book of Yirmiyahu, Hashem says to Yirmiyahu, even before you came to the world, I knew you.

13:26He says, even before you came to the world, I knew you. What do you mean you knew him before he came to the world? Yes, I knew you because your parents, Yirmiyahu (Jeremiah), were modest. When? Intimate moments. I knew you. As a seed, I knew you. And I knew you were going to be a tzaddik. Why? Because your parents were modest. So, that's the key, rabotai: when a person thinks that he can act like the movies... be surprised, don't be surprised if problems happen after. And that's why I tell people to be modest. It's not just all your chesed because of it. It's not, "Oh, it's just nice, you look better." Modesty has so many benefits for marriage, for life, for connection to Hashem, for children, and so on. And that's why a lot of the times you see that usually the problem kids in the shul are many of the times because the parents are not modest, and it has nothing to do with how they dress. Sometimes they dress in black and white, but the kid is a little troll. Why? What comes out of the parents' mouths is not modest. What comes out of the parents' minds is not modest. Modesty is something that's called "cool." It's all of you, and the only way you could actually achieve it is through learning an enormous amount of Torah and applying it, and making sure that you have this middah, you are working on it. Yes, I...