Daily Chidush: How Can HaShem Fix My Marriage (10 minutes)

0:12Shavua Tov, Shavua Mevorach. In regards to the question of what happens when you have perhaps a religious couple, so they're doing at least what they believe is what Hashem says they should do, they keep Shabbat, they keep kosher, Taharat HaMishpacha, and so on. But there's no Shalom Bayit. One of them, whether it be the husband or the wife, is verbally, emotionally abusive, and has no interest whatsoever in changing. So whether it's the wife or the husband is not necessarily as relevant as the fact as what we need to understand what it means. When a neshama comes, before it comes down from shamayim, a person needs to understand that that neshama is incomplete. It's a partial neshama. Why? Because the other half of that neshama is their spouse. and has no interest whatsoever in changing. So, whether it's the wife or the husband is not necessarily as relevant as the fact that we need to understand what it means. When a neshama comes down from shamayim, a person needs to understand that the neshama is incomplete. It's a partial neshama. Why? Because the other half of that neshama is their spouse. And whoever the person chooses to be their spouse is going to be the completion of that neshama that they’re going to be with eternally. Eternally. Which means that every single time that they hurt that neshama, they’re in essence hurting themselves. They’re damaging their own neshama. This is why the Rambam, Paskens Lehalacha, he says that a husband must love his wife as much as he loves himself but honor her even more than himself.

1:38love his wife as much as he loves himself but honor her even more than himself. Love as much as himself but honor her even more than himself. Giving kavod to your wife is even more important than even loving her. Why? Because without kavod there's no relationship. Even more so on the opposite side. If a woman does not respect her husband, there's no relationship. The husband is never going to be able to reach his full potential if his wife is abusive to him, is not honoring him, is not helping him get to his full potential. Now, a woman needs to understand how, you know, just how important respecting a husband is. Now, of course, we know what our Ten Commandments are. Our Fifth Commandment is that people must honor their parents. Okay? But on a woman's side, a woman, once she gets married... able to reach his full potential if his wife is abusive to him, is not honoring him, is not helping him get to his full potential. Now, a woman needs to understand just how important respecting her husband is. Now, of course, we know what our Ten Commandments are. Our fifth commandment is that people must honor their parents. But on a woman's side, once she gets married, she's not even obligated to honor her parents anymore. Why? All of the honor she has must go to her husband. If there's some left, she can give it to her parents. But if not, if she has to choose one over the other, she must honor her husband before her parents. Kal vachomer, needless to say, she must honor her husband regardless of whether her parents are there or not.

2:36she's not even obligated to honor her parents anymore. Why? All of the honor she has must go to her husband. If there's some left, she can give it to her parents. But if not, if she has to choose one between the other, she must honor her husband before her parents. She must honor her husband before her parents. Kal Vachomer, needless to say, she must honor her husband regardless of whether her parents are there or not. Why? He's our own neshama. I'll give you a real story of something that happened. A true story that happened not too long ago, maybe a couple of years ago. Rabbi Ephraim, shlit"a, had someone come to him one time. Someone that keeps Torah and mitzvot, learns Torah all day, a decent human being. We're not talking about someone that's a gangster. Someone that keeps Torah and mitzvot, Relatively new Baal Teshuva, a few years into it, you know, maybe five, six, seven years into it, but chose to take the life of being an Avrech, but hasn't necessarily worked on himself and perfected himself yet, but still, none of us are. Anyway, one day he tells him, listen, I'm having serious problems, I had a daughter born, a son born, I'm sorry, a son born, and the son hasn't left the hospital, it's already been six months.

4:04six months the boy hasn't left the hospital. We're not able to circumcise him, we're not able to name him, we're not able to do anything. So, what do the doctors say? Doctors don't know. All they know is that he's sick, he's dying. They don't know if he's going to survive the day, they don't know if he's going to survive the week, they don't know anything. So, Rabbi Frey asks, and what does your wife... What does your wife say about it? How is she dealing with all of it? Immediately, the Avrech, someone who keeps Torah and mitzvot, reacted in a very nasty way. He said, ah, her, she's lucky I'm even married to her. She's this and she's that. He doesn't say nice things, let's just say that. He doesn't say nice things about her. But what should I do, he asks him. Rabbi Fray, surprisingly, gives him a response of a lifetime. He says, do you want your son to be healthy? He says, yeah, sure, of course I want my son to be healthy. What kind of question is that? That's why I'm coming to you. Is there a prayer? Is there a study session that I can do? Is there anything that I can do to fix it? Maybe I can learn the Shas. Maybe I could take on myself extra mitzvot. Maybe this, maybe that. He says, yeah, you can do one thing. He says, what? He says, you have to start respecting your wife to such an extent

5:32that completely changes her mind, changes her perception of who you are. He goes, what do you mean? He says, you have to buy her a present on a regular basis. He goes, why, are you kidding me? I make only 1,500 shekels a month being on avrech. He goes, you have to buy her something every week. You have to honor her. You have to respect her. He goes, where is this coming from? What does it have to do with my son? He says, if you want miracles, you need the Shekhinah. You need Hashem Yitbarach to come down Himself. Nothing else is going to help your son. Nothing else can help him. Not the doctors, not the lawyers, not the accountants, not the babas, not the nothing. Only Hashem Himself can save your son because your son right now is in dire straits. And right now, you have to understand that we learn in our Torah that when Hashem decided that He's going to give the Torah to Am Yisrael on Mount Sinai, the malachim came to Hashem and said, Hashem, You cannot come down to the... the Shekhinah cannot come down to Mount Sinai because all of Am Yisrael, they've been slaves. They've been in Egypt for 210 years, slaves for 116 years. They've been tortured. They've been beaten. They've been... you know what has happened to them? Many of them are Ba'alei Mum, meaning that they have deformities. They're missing arms, missing eyes. They're blind. They're deaf. They have broken backs. They're all Ba'alei Mum and the Shekhinah cannot come down to a place of imperfection.

6:55Hashem said, no problem. Let's make them perfect. And just like that, the one who was blind was able to see. The one who was deaf was able to hear. The one who was crippled was able to walk. Hashem literally was the healer, live and well, and actually healed everyone in order for the Shekhinah to come down to a place of perfection. And there's a Mishnah that we learn from that story. When a husband and a wife have the merit of Shalom Bayit, the Shekhinah comes down between them. So Rabbi Ephraim explains to them, because you want miracles, the only way you can have miracles is if the Shekhinah comes. The only way the Shekhinah can come is if the husband and the wife have Shalom Bayit. The only way to have shalom bayit is if you start. You, the husband, start. You, the one who thinks this and thinks that, you start. And if it's the wife listening to this, then you start. Don't wait for the other one to start. If each one of us starts ourselves, the Shekhinah can come. But if we keep waiting for the other person to do it, the Shekhinah will be gone forever. So, the person said, "Listen, I don't know much, but I know enough to know that I should listen to Rabbi Ephraim. He knows a lot of Torah, Baruch Hashem."

8:22And you have to have emunah in tzaddikim. He did what he said, and he shtabach Shemo la'ad, 30 days on the spot. 30 days later, he runs to Rabbi Ephraim, excited as can be, as if he just came down from Mount Sinai. He said, what happened? Was everything okay? He says, you're never going to believe it, Kavod HaRav. My son was just released with a perfect bill of health from the hospital. The doctors asked me, why is he even here? The new doctor came in, he said, why is your son here? He's perfectly healthy. Take him home already. When a person understands that the Shekhinah does not come to a home with no Shalom Bayit, that means there's no Refuah Shlema. There's no pacha in the money. There's no good for the kids. There's nothing good in the world that happens to a place where there's no Shekhinah. Nothing good. So if a person wants the Shekhinah to come, they must start with Shalom Bayit. How do you start with Shalom Bayit? Start by looking in the mirror and fixing the person you see. Be'ezrat Hashem, this helps those that are listening and those that are not listening. And you spread this message to all of Am Yisrael to understand that our spouses are mamash ourselves; it's the other half of our own neshama. When we hurt them,

9:37We hurt ourselves. We hurt ourselves, we hurt our connection with Hashem, and nothing good can come out of that. Shavua Tov, Shavua Mevorach, Kol Tov.