Daily Chidush: Teshuva For Your Marriage

0:01Elohim yikarim, how are you? I hope you have an extraordinary week. We're only a few days before Rosh Hashanah. We're only a few days before our last chance to ask Hashem for forgiveness, to ask our spouses for forgiveness, and to ask our friends and family for forgiveness. Unlike what most people think, the real judgment day of the year is Rosh Hashanah, not Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is the appeal in case, chas v'shalom, we had a bad decision. Which, of course, since we don't know what decision we have in Shamayim, we must beg Hashem each and every free moment that we have for favorable judgment, for mercy. But I wanted to make this chiddush not necessarily about Rosh Hashanah and not necessarily like any of the other chiddushim that we've talked about throughout this year. I wanted to make sure to remind all of us, whether we are ba'alei teshuva, frum from birth, completely secular, atheist, anti-Torah, from whichever part of the world you came from, whether you're a Jew or Gentile, this is a chiddush for you.

1:09Because everyone wakes up in the morning every day wanting to be happy, wanting to have a good life. And unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of mankind has no concept of how to get there. In this week's parasha, Parashat Nitzavim, HaKadosh Baruch Hu says, it says here in chapter 30, Book of Devarim, verse 2, "And you will return unto Hashem your God and listen to His voice according to everything that I command you today, you and your children with all your heart and with all your soul." In this week's parasha, Parashat Nitzavim, HaKadosh Baruch Hu says, it says here in chapter 30, Book of Devarim, verse 2, "And you will return unto Hashem your God and listen to His voice according to everything that I command you today, you and your children, with all your heart and with all your soul." So here, Hashem is telling us it's time to do teshuva, but the teshuva that we're going to talk about today is a little bit different than the one that we've talked about throughout the last couple of years in the sense that the teshuva that we're going to talk about today is between us and our spouses. Unfortunately, we get so busy throughout the year managing our businesses, managing our business affairs, managing our

2:22different types of dealings with people and partners and employees and the children and the hobbies and the likes and the dislikes and the stresses and the bills and the sports channels and all the nonsense that we waste our lives on, that it gets to one point we wake up and we realize that, hey, my spouse is not happy. Because she just gave me a notice, and chas v'shalom, it's a get notice. Or he just gave me a notice, and chas v'shalom, it's a get notice. Or it's an, "I need a break." Or it's an, "I'm not coming home tonight; I'm going to hang out with my friends." All types of surprises. Surprises, if you will, that really should not be surprises. we were paying attention to the Torah and what the Torah says about marriage. None of these surprises would ever have happened, and I don't mean just knowing it because you've read it or heard it somewhere, but actually applying it to your life. In the next couple of weeks, we're going to go back to the beginning of the Torah and we're going to read this verse in chapter 2, verse 24. After Hashem creates man, He makes sure to create him a wife and...

3:46Make sure that it creates him a second half. It says in verse 24, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. They were both naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed." My dear friends, it's time for us to learn how to be husbands. It's also time for us to learn how to be wives. Too many times have I heard over this last week, or a few weeks, "What do you think about my husband going away for the holiday? To go see his family, to go to Uman, to go here, to go there. What do you think about that?" And too many times have I thought about it over and over again, how to give the best possible response without creating Shalom Bayit issues.

4:46but always came up with the same exact conclusion, which is that if the man feels the need to leave his wife to go somewhere else at the most important time of the year, not only because it's Judgment Day, And we need to not only be worried about ourselves, but we also have to be worried about our family to make sure that they're experiencing a good holiday, they're connecting to Hashem, their minds are in the right places. We have to be worried about them. And if we're not there, how can we worry about them? How do we know what they're doing? How do we know if someone's taking care of them, especially a man of the house? So if we're already at a mindset that we need to take care of ourselves somewhere else, then there's already Shalom Bayit issues; we just haven't called it that. If the woman is already somewhere else because she needs to be somewhere else and the husband doesn’t want to be there, then my friends, there's already Shalom Bayit issues. Then already we know that we're not following even the second chapter of the Torah, let alone the rest of the Torah. Hashem already told us that when a man and a woman are married, they become one. One, not two. Not one sometimes and two other times. One. As a matter of fact, the holy books talk about how Hashem...

5:50then, my friends, there's already Shalom Bayit issues. Then, already, we know that we're not following even the second chapter of the Torah, let alone the rest of the Torah. Hashem already told us that when a man and a woman are married, they become one. One, not two. Not one sometimes and two other times. One. As a matter of fact, the holy books talk about how Hashem brings two halves of a single soul to this world. One is a male, one is a female. And when it's actually a good zivug, a zivug that's meant from Shamayim, those two souls connect and can never separate. So how is it that so many of us feel the need to separate from our family during such an important time? A time that we're away from work, a time that we're away from the stresses of the world, a time that we're supposed to spend with our families, a time that we're supposed to be together with the most important people in our lives, to be alone? Do you really believe you need to go to a different country in order to connect to God? That's not Judaism, my friends. Do you really believe that you need to go to your parents in order to respect them more than your wife or your husband? That's not Judaism, my friends. According to HaTorah, once a man marries a woman, they both become number one for each other.

7:02in order to connect to God? That's not Judaism, my friends. Do you really believe that you need to go to your parents in order to respect them more than your wife or your husband? That's not Judaism, my friends. According to the Torah, once a man marries a woman, they both become number one for each other. So unless the spouse is completely, 100% as excited as you are about you going somewhere else, you can't go. And to say, fine, honey, you can go, that's not excited. If your wife is excited, says, yes, honey, I want you to go. Not only do I think it's good for you, I want you to go to Uman and daven for all of us and connect to Hashem on a higher level. And I know that you already made sure to take care of all the arrangements for us at home, and we're not going to go look for where to eat and where to sleep and how to buy and how to do this. We're going to feel connected.

8:08Because we know this is a family thing. If she's as excited about it as you, Chazak U'Baruch, go, enjoy. But the reality of it is that most wives are not. The reality of it is that most men need to bring their wives. If they want to go anywhere, whether it's to their parents, whether it's to their friends, whether it's to some spiritual place, you really need to start thinking about things differently. You really need to start waking up and realize that it's time for you to be a husband. It's time for you to be a father. It's time for you to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that in order for you to have a successful relationship, the point of a relationship is for a man and a woman to bring the best out of each other. Meaning, alone, you're a single person. Together, it's not supposed to be two. It's not supposed to be one plus one equals two. That's not bringing the best out of each other because technically, you're both contributing your half. So it's... You're both staying the same in essence. Bringing the best out of each other means... The point of a relationship is for a man and a woman to bring the best out of each other. Meaning, alone, you're a single person. Together, it's not supposed to be two. It's not supposed to be one plus one equals two. That's not bringing the best out of each other because technically, you're both contributing your half. So it's... you're both staying the same in essence. Bringing the best out of each other means that both of you are better because of each other. Both of you are better due to each other. You make each other better. You supercharge each other. She's a better wife as well as a person. You're a better husband as well as a person. You're a better version of you. Where that means it gets to a point where when you're not together, it's sickening.

9:18that both of you are better because of each other. Both of you are better due to each other. You make each other better. You supercharge each other. She's a better wife as well as a person. You're a better husband as well as a person. You're a better version of you. Where that means it gets to a point where, when you're not together, it's sickening. It's missing a link. It's missing a part. If your idea of fun is to go with your friends to Las Vegas or some other Gehenom, you have shalom bayit issues, my friend. If your idea of fun is to go out with your girlfriends instead of being with your family, with your husband, you have shalom bayit issues. It's missing a link. It's missing a part. If your idea of fun is to go with your friends to Las Vegas or some other Gehinnom, you have shalom bayit issues, my friend. If your idea of fun is to go out with your girlfriends instead of being with your family, with your husband, you have shalom bayit issues. Now, we're not here to create shalom bayit issues. If anyone is questioning themselves, that means they already have one. So why are we mentioning it specifically now? Why are we mentioning this specific issue now? Because this is the time to do teshuva.

10:26This is the time we need to learn from our sages. This is the time we need to learn from our forefathers. Did you ever hear about Sarah Imenu going to Cancun on vacation? Did you ever hear about Rivka, Leah, and Rachel going to the Bahamas to get a break from the kids and the husband? Did you ever hear about Tzipporah, the wife of Moshe Rabbeinu, saying, "You know what, Chazi, I need a break from you. You go take care of Egypt. I'm going to Eilat." Did you ever hear anything like that? No, no. Repeatedly in the Torah, we see exactly what the Gemara Masechet Sotah, page 2, says: a man will be gifted a woman based on his deeds. Meaning, Rashi says if he is righteous, he will get a modest woman; if he is wicked, he will get an immodest woman, a prutzah, which is also could be translated almost like a prostitute. So the sages ask, why can't a righteous man get a righteous woman and a wicked man get a wicked woman? What does modesty have anything to do with it? And they said, Rashi explains,

11:39One of the greatest sages of all time, who lived nearly 900 years ago, says to us that if she is modest, then she has a chance of being righteous. If she's immodest, there's no chance that she's righteous. It's impossible for her to be righteous because she's spending all of her time seeking other people's attention. No woman in the history of mankind has ever been immodest because she just doesn't like to wear clothes. It's because she wants attention. But the reality of it is that if she's looking for attention after she's already your wife, it's your fault, my friend. Dear husband, it's your fault because you're not giving her enough attention. You're not giving her enough love for her to feel secure, to realize that, hey, why would I want to share my beauty with anyone else other than my dearest husband? Why would I want to share my beauty with anyone other than the other half of my soul? So you see, this all stems back to each other. But we also learned from our sages and forefathers when we hear about their wives. You hear about Sarah Imenu. We're going to hear, we're going to learn about it over the next month or so when, after Avraham Avinu... Anyone other than the other half of my soul. So you see this all stems back to each other. But we also learned from our sages and forefathers when we hear about their wives. You hear about Sarah Imeinu. We're gonna hear, we're gonna learn about it over the next month or so when, after Avraham Avinu has his Brit Milah, suffering through pain and agony. He still yearns to have visitors. He still yearns to have the mitzvah of bringing in guests. And when he welcomes these three strange guests that he thinks are just Arabs, and later to find out that they're all angels, he tells his wife Sarah, "Go prepare the cake, prepare the food." You don't see Sarah saying, "No, no, you go do it."

13:02has his brit milah, suffering through pain and agony. He still yearns to have visitors. He still yearns to have the mitzvah of bringing in guests. And when he welcomes these three strange guests that he thinks are just Arabs, and later finds out that they're all angels, he tells his wife Sarah, "Go prepare the cake, prepare the food." You don't see Sarah saying, "No, no, you go do it." I'm busy. I've got my own stuff to do. I'm tired. No, she is one with him. She's as excited as he is because they've become one. When a situation happens where Moshe Rabbeinu is told by Hashem, it's time for you to go to Egypt and save My children, Moshe did not complain about the fact that he just had a son and maybe it's better for him to wait a little bit before he goes. No. He told Hashem, I'm not enough for this position. I'm not good enough. I'm not righteous enough. I don't speak well enough. Moshe Rabbeinu did not complain about the fact that he just had a son and maybe it's better for him to wait a little bit before he goes. No. He told Hashem, "I'm not enough for this position. I'm not good enough. I'm not righteous enough. I don't speak well enough."

14:15He argued with Hashem for a week, trying to convince Hashem not to send him, but to send somebody else, not because of personal reasons, not because he just had a son, but rather because he didn't think he was good enough, which shows his humility. But after Hashem sends him on his way, Moshe Rabbeinu doesn't think twice. He doesn't think twice about whether to bring his family—his newborn son, his existing son, and his dear wife—with him on this dangerous mission. He doesn't think twice. How could I go anywhere without Tzipora? How could I go anywhere without my dear wife? If she's in on it with me, we're going to go together. And you see that that decision saves his life. As we learn from the Torah in the book of Shemot, as soon as he leaves, it says that Hashem sends a malach to kill him, to kill Moshe Rabbeinu. Why? Because he delayed the brit milah. He wanted to delay it because he thought logically that having a brit milah in the middle of a journey is too dangerous. So maybe we should have the brit milah of his son... we learn from the Torah in the book of Exodus, as soon as he leaves, it says that Hashem sends a Malach to kill Moshe Rabbeinu. Why? Because he delayed the brit milah. He wanted to delay it because he thought logically that having a brit milah in the middle of a journey is too dangerous. So maybe we should have the brit milah of his son...

15:35maybe having it once we get there, so there's less danger. But in Hashem's world, He decides what's dangerous and what's not. And He shows Moshe Rabbeinu that he was wrong. And He brings down a Malach to kill Moshe Rabbeinu, but this wife that Moshe Rabbeinu is connected to, Moshe Rabbeinu loves and adores, saves him. And she realizes that the one thing that's missing, the one mitzvah that's missing is this brit milah. And she gives a circumcision to their son and tells the son, "You almost killed my husband. You almost killed my husband." Already telling the son that doesn't even understand. Just know, your father will always be number one. Even though you come from me and from my body and everything else, your father will always be number one. And she saves his life because as soon as she gives the circumcision, the malachim leave, and Moshe Rabbeinu goes back and saves Am Yisrael later when he sees Aharon, and they see that the mission is much more dangerous.

17:01They realize that it's better to let Tziporah go home rather than leave her surrounded by the slavery, agony, pain, and torture that Am Yisrael is suffering. But this is, again, not a command like, "Hey, you lady, you have to go." This, as we see it, is the same type of decision that was made to leave Tziporah. The same type of decision to return. The same type of decision to circumcise. Meaning the decisions are made as one. They already have like minds. Their minds are connected because they listened to Parashat Bereishit and they became one. So it's no, there is no debate. There is no argument. There is, this is what needs to happen for us. We make decisions as families. We make decisions as a team. Whatever is the best thing for the team is what we do. My old football coach in high school used to say, there's no I in team. But some little wisecracker will always say, yeah, but there's a me. And that's today's people, both husbands and wives. Yeah, yeah, there's no I in team, but there's a me, and there's a me that needs to go to the salon and spend our free day during the week, you know, in the salon for three hours with my girlfriends while my husband watches the game with his friends. And the reality is we don't really spend any free time together. Our ideal version of fun is going on vacation with our friends, not with our family. It's time for us to start learning the Torah.

18:16And that's today's people, both husbands and wives. Yeah, yeah, there's no "I" in "team," but there's a "me," and there's a "me" that needs to go to the salon and spend our free day during the week, you know, in the salon for three hours with my girlfriends while my husband watches the game with his friends. And the reality is we don't really spend any free time together. Our ideal version of fun is going on vacation with our friends, not with our family. It's time for us to start learning the Torah. because we see that it's not just that the Torah teaches us mitzvot of how to connect to Hashem and actually achieve real happiness and not temporary happiness, but we also see that the Torah teaches us countless lessons on how to truly be happy with ourselves and our spouses. The more we learn Torah, the more we realize we need it. We need instructions. We need instructions on how to live. We need instructions on how to be husbands. We need instructions on how to be sons and daughters. We need instructions on how to be wives. We need instructions on how to be businesspeople. We need instructions on how to live because our decisions are flawed by default.

19:40By default, our decisions are always going to be flawed. And the reason is because we have an evil inclination that most people don't want to believe exists, that will always influence us to do the opposite of what's really good. And we see this countless times when we reflect on our past and we see that we can count our errors in numbers that start with hundreds. Just skip. I mean, a hundred errors here and a hundred errors there and a hundred errors there. And you don't even have, you can't count them one by one because it's just too many. So you count them by the dozens and the hundreds and the millions and it's still never over. But yet, our right decisions, for anyone that's being honest with themselves, you can count them on one hand. The decisions that changed our life for the better, you can count them on one hand. in numbers that start with hundreds. Just skip. I mean, a hundred errors here and a hundred errors there and a hundred errors elsewhere. And you can't even count them one by one because it's just too many. So you count them by the dozens and the hundreds and the millions, and it's still never over. But yet, our right decisions, for anyone who's being honest with themselves, you can count them on one hand. The decisions that changed our life for the better, you can count them on one hand. and it's time for us to make the decision to change our life today. It's time for us to start doing teshuva at home and start making our spouse number one. To start listening to what the Torah says about marriage, about what you really need to have. Because if you're making decisions independently, whether they're religious decisions or they are secular decisions,

21:06you have Shalom Bayit issues. You're not going to make it. And if you do, it's not going to be a happy time. Why bring more suffering to yourself than necessary when it's so much simpler to just make a decision now and follow through moving forward? Start talking to each other instead of shouting. Start communicating with each other instead of thinking that the other person should understand you because they know you for 10 years. Why wouldn't they understand what you know and what you want without you even saying, as if they can read minds? Now, say it because you feel it, not because you have to. Tell her you love her. Because she wants to hear it. And because she needs to hear it. And because you need to see it. Tell him you care about him, you love him, you adore him. Because even as tough as he is, he also needs to hear a little bit of compassion.

22:24Tell everyone else in your world, whether it's your children, your parents, your friends, your bosses, your employees, your customers, your whoever, there's a time every day that we need to take a time out from all of you and give it to each other. Whether you can give an hour to each other or 15 minutes, it has to be some type of time that you're alone with your spouse if you want to make it. if you want to really make this marriage what it can be, you have to start making time for it. Men have to stop thinking about their wives with money signs next to it, where they need to buy their wives this and buy their wives that and buy their wives this in order to make them happy. Trust me when I tell you, you can buy them the whole world, but if you don't pay attention to them and you don't buy them flowers once a week, once a month, once in a while, you don't give them a good word, all the money in the world is worthless. All the presents in the world are worthless. money signs next to it where they need to buy their wives this and buy their wives that and buy their wives this in order to make them happy. Trust me when I tell you, you can buy them the whole world, but if you don't pay attention to them and you don't buy them flowers once a week, once a month, once in a while, you don't give them a good word, all the money in the world is worthless. All the presents in the world are worthless. The women also have to realize that their husbands are not their girlfriends. They can't necessarily communicate the same way that their girlfriends are. They can't really understand everything that they're thinking. And a good saying that I heard one time is that in order for a man to show that he loves his wife, he needs to make sure that he doesn't even try to understand her. But he obviously tries to reason with her.

23:35The women also have to realize that their husbands are not their girlfriends. They can't necessarily communicate the same way that their girlfriends do. They can't really understand everything that they're thinking. And a good saying that I heard one time is that in order for a man to show that he loves his wife, he needs to make sure that he doesn't even try to understand her. But he obviously tries to reason with her. In order for a woman to show that she loves her husband, she tries to understand him. Because it's very, very simple. Very simple minds. We have very, very simple needs as men. If you want your husband to do something, as Shlomo HaMelech says, a woman can twirl her husband around her finger. she knows how to do it. But do it for the right reasons. Don't mislead him. Don't misguide him. Don't make him do stupid things. Don't put the team in danger. And don't make him feel like he's second best to your parents, to your kids, to your friends, to anyone. If you want to have a successful relationship, it's time for you to make the other person number one. Start giving without expecting anything in return, because once you start giving without expecting anything in return, that's love. But if you're giving with an expectation of returning, that's just a loan. That's not love. That's not a relationship. That's slow bite problems. So this year, my dear friends, we'll finish off with this and...

25:03start giving without expecting anything in return. Because once you start giving without expecting anything in return, that's love. But if you're giving with an expectation of return, that's just a loan. That's not love. That's not a relationship. That sows the seeds of problems. So this year, my dear friends, we'll finish off with this and... is that we have to understand that it's time for us to listen to Hashem and start doing teshuva. Not only the teshuva that gets us connected to the Torah, gets us connected to Hashem Yitbarach, but the same teshuva that's going to get us connected to the people around us. But as we learn from this parasha, and next week's parasha, and every parasha in the entire Torah, One thing can never be with the other. This is why we have the mitzvah of Pru Urvu, where it's between a man and a woman. Because one cannot survive without the other, let alone multiply. May you all have a shanah tovah, a shanah metukah, and a lot of success.

26:25a lot of true happiness, and the ultimate connection to each other, and Hashem Yitbarach. Kol tuv.