How To Get Anyone To Do TeShuva

0:10The whole thing with rebuke is that you have to use the wisdom and imagination that Hashem gave you to do it the right way. That's also another reason why Hashem says don't come to sin. "Don't come to sin" means also to use the imagination that I gave you. I didn't just give you an imagination to draw Mickey Mouse. I didn't just give you an imagination to pick a nice suit. use indirect methods to help him realize the issue himself. Try giving him a CD with a lecture or invite him to listen to a talk where the message comes from someone else rather than directly from you. Most of the time, this indirect approach is more effective. And I'll share a little secret with you—but please, don't take it personally; it applies to me as well, and actually, to everyone. Do you know why most people's attempts at rebuke don't work? Rebuke him indirectly by giving him a CD, sending him a lecture, or inviting him to a lecture. Let him hear it for himself from somebody else, not from you. Ninety-nine out of a hundred times, it works better. The problem—I'm gonna tell you guys a secret; don't take it personally, though. It has to do with me, too. The secret has to do with everybody. You know why most people's rebuke doesn't work? I...

1:29Most people, they tell somebody, hey, listen, you should keep Shabbat. It doesn't work. Or somebody says, hey, listen, you should eat kosher. It doesn't work. Hey, you should leave the goy. It doesn't work. You know why it doesn't work? I'll tell you a secret. I actually rediscovered it through a conversation that I had with somebody that told me that he started listening to my shiurim. He started doing teshuvah. Baruch Hashem. And the rebuke worked. And we're talking about how, who, what, when, and how. And I understood, I got to see Yad Vashem during the conversation. I understood why it worked—not just that one, but every one of them. And why a lot of them don't work. Why don't they work? Because if you're going to rebuke because you want to be right, it's not going to work. If you're gonna tell him you keep Shabbat because that's what you have to do because I know you have to keep Shabbat, it's not gonna work. If you tell him, "No, stop wearing the wig because I know it's Avodah Zarah," it's not gonna work. You should start doing this because I know. It's not gonna work; you're wasting your time. You're already making a sin. Don't do it. You're ruining everything. You're ruining everything. Why? Because it has nothing to do with the rebuke. It has to do with your ego.

2:44you're trying to be right. you're trying to be right. you're not trying to help him or her. when you're telling them, you should do this, this, and this because i saw it. and look, i'll show you the book. and look, the rabbi said it. and look, it doesn't matter. i said it. you have the whole fire in this. and you're right. but you're wrong. why? because it has nothing to do with the rebuke. you're just trying to win an argument. For that purpose alone, his neshama will never accept it from you. Why? It's not l'shma. It's not for shamayim. It's ego. It's your ego versus his ego. He says, my ego is better than yours. I'm not going to listen to you. How about that? How about that? Go, go. Keep talking. Keep talking. How long are you talking? Talk for a half hour. No, like you're a rabbi. Talk for three hours. Talk, talk, talk. At the end, he says, no, she's not going to listen. No. Ha! I'm not going to listen to you. Why? My ego is better than yours. If you're going to rebuke him because of your ego, it's not going to work. That's the secret. If you're going to rebuke him because you care, it doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter what you say. If you care, his neshama will accept it. If you care, it doesn't matter if you make sense or if you rhyme. It doesn't matter if you say it in a rap or to a book. It doesn't matter because he knows you care. If he knows or she knows you care, then listen. Why? Because you care so much. I'll do it just because you care, not because of your ga'avah. I don't believe it, but I'll do it because you believe it. I'll do it because you believe it.

4:00It doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter if you make sense. It doesn't matter if you rhyme. It doesn't matter if you say it in a rap. It doesn't matter if you say it to a book. It doesn't matter because he said it. If you care and he knows or she knows you care, then listen. Why? You care so much. I'll do it just because you care. Not because of your guy. I don't believe it. But I'll do it because you believe it. I'll do it because you believe it. I do it because I like you. I don't believe everything you believe, but I like you. So I'll do it because of you, and eventually, he'll do it. That's why it says, "What do you mean? What does it mean over here?" If you learn Torah lo lishma (not for Hashem), it says it's better you learn lo lishma, because if you start lo lishma, if you start learning and fulfilling the Torah not for Hashem, eventually you're going to do it for Hashem. Why? If he's doing it because he's trying to get a girl, or if he's doing it because he's trying to get some rabbinical award or something, eventually he will come to learn and practice Torah lishma (for Hashem).

5:11What they're trying to tell you, I actually heard Rav Meir Eliyahu say this, it's brilliant, that no one, no one on earth in the history of mankind other than our Avot HaKedoshim is capable of starting Teshuvah purely for Hashem. No one. Why? You don't even know Him yet. You don't even know Him yet. You don't know anything. So what do you do? So why are you doing the mitzvot? You're doing it lo lishma. You're doing it because your mom told you. You're doing it because you're trying to get the girl. You're doing it because somebody read the book and recommended the book, and you want to make it seem like you actually care about the book, so you're going to read the book. You start doing it because you want to fit in. You start doing it because you want to get to know who and what. But you're not doing it for Hashem. You don't even know Him yet. So it always starts lo lishma. Why? Because eventually, it's going to get to lishma. not for Hashem, because you don't even know Him yet. You don't even know what, why, who, and when. But if you start that way honestly, with an open heart and accept it, eventually you're going to get to do it for Hashem also. The same thing with rebuke. If the person you're rebuking knows that what you're doing is for Hashem, and you're doing it from your heart, not because you're trying to be right, they'll accept it.

6:39But if not, it doesn't matter what you say. He's not going to listen. She's not going to listen. Why? Because their ego is fighting your ego, and he's going to win. It's easy for him to win. He just doesn't have to listen. The Gemara asks, how come Hashem gave us fingers that look like this? They look like pegs. Our fingers look like pegs. Why did Hashem make them like pegs? Why don't I make it like pegs? It says, when you don't want to listen to the show now, I put them right in your ears. They fit perfectly. That's what he's doing. You're talking, dude. I listen to you. Why? Because I know you're not talking from your heart; you're talking from your ego. That's the secret of our rebuke. That's why it doesn't work for most people, and that's why I tell people: don't rebuke the people around you. They know you too well, and they're able to determine whether you're doing it from your heart or because you're trying to be right. And if you're doing it because you're trying to be right, they're not going to listen to you. Even more so, if it's a debate, they will not allow you to speak from the heart. Why? Because the ego gets in the way.

7:48So that's why it's easier, better, and more productive to have somebody else do it. Bring him to a shiur, give him a CD, or send him a lecture. This means you don't have to actually bring the rabbi or the person in person. Dare to rebuke. You do it indirectly by showing them the same thing you heard, coming from the horse's mouth himself. If I'm the horse, good. I like being a horse. The point is because for me, they don't know me. They don't know me, and I know I'm not talking to them directly, so for them, it's pure. It's pure. Why? They just get the information as it's coming out. There's no ego here. It's not like, "Oh, he's doing it because he's gonna get something." What does he get? Nothing. Oh, okay, so I’ll listen to what he says then. So that's the thing that a person needs to understand when it comes to rebuke if you want it to work. You have to remove the ego, and that's one of the most difficult things for a person to do because the yetzer hara is going to try to get you in every single way. That’s why we pray every single day for Hashem to bless us and protect us against the yetzer hara, from in front of us and behind us, from the mitzvot that are in front of us to do and the mitzvot that we already did so we don't ruin them.

9:03A guy thinks he's going to fulfill a mitzvah. He's like, "Oh yeah, I'm going to fulfill a mitzvah. What am I going to do? I'm going to help this guy keep Shabbat. How are you going to do it? Oh, I'm going to go tell him to keep Shabbat. How are you going to tell him to keep Shabbat? I'm going to tell him if he doesn't keep it, Hashem is going to punish him." Oh, okay. And how exactly are you going to do all that? "Oh, watch me." You can see the guy; he's yelling at the person. He makes the guy feel like he's worthless. The guy leaves in tears and not only is he not keeping Shabbat, he doesn't want to keep the friendship either. Okay, you won the argument. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right, but you're wrong. So there's a way to do it. There's a way to do it and it's important for a person to know that if it's coming from ego, it's not going to work. You're wasting your time and instead of making a mitzvah, you're actually creating a sin. And that's why it says, if you're going to do it, you have to remove all of that ego from you. Don't worry about being right. You don't need to be right. You know you're right. Hashem said it, you're right. The point is that you have to make him understand that you're doing it because you care. I'm going to tell you a story that happened recently. I spoke to somebody very special to me. Now, Jews, Baruch Hashem, are all special to me because this is why I do what I do. I love Hashem more than I love them, but I love them too. And I spoke to somebody very special, and we were just chit-chatting.

10:33Usually, it's chitchat, but I haven't spoken to him in a long time and I wanted to see what's going on with the world and so on. So, after three or four minutes of this, I asked him, "So, what's going on with Shabbat? Did you start keeping Shabbat? I heard you kept a couple of Shabbatot. Are you still keeping it or not?" He's like, "No, no, I stopped. I did it a couple of times, and it was good, but I didn't do it anymore after that." At that point, I couldn't take it anymore. The chit-chatting had ended, and I couldn't hold myself back. So I told him, "Listen, you know you have to find a way to keep Shabbat." He goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, every time he tells me, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try to keep it.' Yeah, I know I got to do it. You know when I get married, I'm gonna do it. It's easier. When I get married, I'm going to do it. When I get rich, I'm going to do it. Everybody has excuses. The Yetzer Hara gives them endless excuses." It's not even their fault. The Yetzer Hara has been working on excuses for 6,000 years. They just started 30 years ago. So now he's like, yeah, I know I got to do it. I got to get there. I got to get there. I'm like, listen, no, you really got to do it. But you got to do it right. First of all, you got to understand, if your Shabbat is boring, you're not going to continue doing it. So what did you do during the Shabbat? You go, no, I just hung out a little bit, relaxed, slept, ate. I'm like, yeah, it's not Shabbat. If you relaxed, slept, and ate...

12:01Such a thing, but that's a lazy day. That's about if you keep doing that, you're never gonna keep Shabbat. You have to make Shabbat a party. Get all your friends to come over, cook food you've never cooked before, or order catering. Cook food, have a bunch of stuff to do, books, lectures, get stuff to happen. Especially if you're young, you know, young guys or people who are new to Shabbat, invite people, make it happen, make it like it's a party every week. This one guy in Los Angeles that I met, he has turned his house into literally like a hall. He has 200 people. His name is Yaniv. He has 200 people in his house every Shabbat. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So now, I told you, you have to. You're not going to get 200 people to come to your house. Get five people, two people, three. Get at least somebody to come to your house. Or you go there, go on the app or the website, Shabbat.com, which is an app for you. It's like a social network for Jews. To go to different people's houses for Shabbat, it's usually how people actually are meeting people for zivugim.

13:13It's a cautious way to meet people. You go to a place, you see, you do. Young guys, young girls, and young families usually invite people. It's a nice thing to do. Go to different places on Shabbat. Make it interesting. Make it fun. Because if it's boring, if all you're doing is sleeping and eating and sleeping and eating, you are just like a cow. That's it. You just replace yourself, a human, with a cow once a week. If you make it fun, especially if you're new at it, it's the greatest thing in the world. This is a must. A must for young people who are single. A must. If you're married and you have a good marriage, then you don't need to get involved in all this commotion. Usually, you provide enough entertainment for each other. If you have kids, they are enough entertainment for you. You don't need to get into all this balagan, having 500 people in your house. But if you're young and single, you have to do this. Why? It's the only way you're going to keep doing it. Today's world, if you're only going to sit there all day looking at the wall, unless you're already engrossed in Torah learning, it's not going to be fulfilling. If you're a brand new ba'al teshuva, unless you're already immersed in it, you need to take action. You have to do this, you have to get people involved, get your friends involved. Why? Because otherwise, it won't be interesting. I told him you have to make it interesting. He said, "Yeah, yeah, it's a good idea, I got to do it, I got to do it." That's where the love for Shabbat comes from, right? So far so good, you guys want to keep Shabbat.

14:37But then I had to make sure that he understood what I'm trying to say here. And he just comes out. I don't really control this. It's not prepared. I said, you know, you have to do this. You have to do this. It's fun. Every week Shabbat turns out to be the best thing in the world. He's like, yeah, yeah, it's a good idea. I had to make sure that he understands it's not an idea. I said, no, no, you have to understand. This is not an idea. You have to understand this is an obligation. You see, I had a guy one time. He told me he's been married for five years. Five years, no kids. Married for five years, no kids. I told him, five years, no kids, something's wrong. He goes, yeah, the doctor says we can't have kids. I said, okay, which doctor? He said, Hashem? No, no, the doctor said. I said, okay, so it doesn't mean anything. I found out through conversation that they never had a chuppah. Never had a chuppah. It's a conversation. I'm telling this person who said he never had a chuppah. I said, Hashem said we have to have a chuppah. We have to have, Jews have to have, a chuppah. You want to get married? They can't just reject that and go to a local court and say, "Oh, you're married, husband and wife, go and make babies." No, Hashem says you want babies, you have to have a chuppah. So he says to me, "What, it's really that big of a deal?" I said, if Hashem said it, what do you think I mean?

15:58Hashem said it. He had a lot of things to say. This was one of them. If He said it, it must be a big deal. He says, okay. I said, okay, I'll arrange it for you. We arranged for a chuppah. You know what happened? I told him. You know what happened after he had a chuppah? Nine months later, he had a baby. Nine months later, he had a baby. Baby girl. Nine months. On the clock. Chuppah night, baby. Chuppah night, baby. Five years, no baby. He listens to Hashem on something he didn't think he had to listen to, and now there is a baby. Another situation, same story, same conversation, another situation. I told him, "You guys are married. Someone was newly married, brand new marriage, and the husband said, 'Listen, my wife, she wants to go to her mom’s house. She wants to go to her mom’s house.'" And I didn't want to go. I have work to do and other responsibilities. I said, okay, she's going for the weekend. Just go with her. You are newly married. It says in the Torah, during the first year of marriage, you’re not allowed to sleep separately from each other. You have to be together. He says, yeah, no, but she’s not. She‘s going only for a month. A month is a completely different conversation. Not only do you have to go with her, but if you don't go with her, she’s not allowed to go at all. You can’t. It’s crazy. He says, no. I said, listen, it says it in the Torah.

17:23It says a lot of things in the Torah. He didn't listen to me. Not me. He didn't listen to the Torah. You know what happened? You know what happened? She went for a month. She went for a month. After a month passed, she didn't get on the plane home. Why not? So the guy on the phone tells me, what, she died? No, no, she didn't die, Baruch Hashem. She's alive. So what happened? She liked living with her mother. Amav liked her living with him and said, "You know what, why don't you stay here and divorce him?" She convinced her daughter to divorce her husband. Why did Hashem write it in the Torah? I said, "You know, if Hashem said it, it means something." Hashem also said to the same guy, "Hashem also said about Shabbat: if you don't keep it..."

18:23He said it 12 times: if you don't keep it, He's gonna kill you. That's when the conversation changed. I said, Hashem said in the Torah: if you don't keep Shabbat, He's gonna kill you. So I have to think every day, I... Every day I have to think, oh why, oh why, oh why, all the loved ones, all the people I love, all of Am Yisrael, all the people, family, no family, friends, no friends, it doesn't make a difference. Klal Yisrael—I have to think you're all on the line every weekend. Everyone that doesn't keep Shabbat—Hashem is gonna kill you. Why? He wrote in the Torah, not once, not twice, twelve times. So I said, you see, it's a good idea to have your friends over. And make a party out of it. But even if you can't get them to come over, you still have to keep it. Why? Because you don't want Hashem to punish you. That's the truth. And he says, I understand. I said, I'm sorry I'm scaring you. But that's what it says in the Torah. And I'm only telling you because I'm scared. And your family, they're not telling you the truth. Why? Because they're scared of you.

19:36Scared to tell you the truth because they're scared. Maybe you're gonna get offended. You're bent on this issue, and this, and that. I'm more scared. Why? Because I know it's dangerous for you if you don't listen to me. It's a life-risking situation. I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, which makes me sad. He says, "No, thank you for telling me. I appreciate you telling me this. I didn't know." "Thank you for telling me. I'm gonna keep Shabbat." And he kept Shabbat. Shabbat Shalom. The idea is good to show him that you can relate, and so on. But you also have to tell him, listen to the truth. It's dangerous if you don't do it, but it comes from the heart. He said, "Oh, it comes from the heart." It's not about him being right or me being wrong. The focus should be on doing what is correct. I'm telling him, "I'm sorry, I have to tell you this news that you're in danger." I'm sorry, but this is the way it has to be said. I've seen things, I know things; it's not my opinion. And the guy that nobody wants to talk to, because they're all scared of him, the big, bad monster, what does he say? Thank you for telling me the truth, I'm going to keep Shabbat. So that's the thing, it's not about—you could have said the same words, but if your words, or even if my words, would have come from ego,

20:59What would have happened? He would have hung up the phone. He would have closed the door. He would have kicked me out. He wouldn't have listened. Why? Because it's ego. It's an argument. It's a debate. You're right. I'm wrong. You're wrong. I'm right. It's shetuyot. It's nonsense. It's a waste of time. It's like a presidential debate. It means nothing. But if it's coming from the heart, then you fulfill the mitzvah. That's the thing when it comes to these people that are difficult. They're only difficult because they have a very, very sensitive B.S. monitor. They're very sensitive to B.S. and they know when most of the people that have beards and hats come to them and tell them about something, it's complete B.S. because all they really want is to get some money. All they really want is to push some hidden agenda. If you come to them and say, "Listen, I don't want anything from you. In fact, I want to give you something." What is it? It's called the truth. It's what it says. Look, here's a CD. Here's a link. Here's this. Here's that. Give them something. Give. Give them something. And you'll get what you want anyway. You'll get them to keep Shabbat.

22:15But that's the thing. That's how you get these people. It's hard. Some of these people have so much tum'ah on them that you have to do this in a very, very creative way. And sometimes it still won't work. But at least you have to try. You have to try. But most of the time when the rebuke doesn't work, it's only because Hashem is telling you you're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong, meaning that it's coming from your ego. You're trying to prove to people that you know, and they don't. I remember when I went to New York one time. Poor kid, young kid, maybe 20 years old, 21 years old, goes to yeshiva for a few years. Ditched out when he was a teenager. Decided that it's his mission in life to become the family rabbi and yell at his parents and yell at his brother and yell at everybody. And I'm in this house, Baruch Hashem, fancy house, nice house. Parents keep Shabbat, but they're not so strict with other things. They need to obviously worry about a few other things, but there's definitely room for improvement. What the kid is telling them is right, but no one's listening to him.

23:32I see the whole weekend. It's people over on Shabbat. I was there at the door. Everything is good about Hashem. The kids are trying to give a shiur. He's trying to tell people, "Do this, don't do this, do this, don't do this," and I see the whole weekend. I was there for a few days, all weekend. I see the parents' faces, everybody's eyes rolled all over. You guys may have seen them roll over to Florida, roll over to California. They rolled everywhere, the eyes. No one's listening to him, the poor kid. No one's listening. He's right. What he's saying is correct. He's expressing that he knows what he's talking about. No questions asked. But, no one's listening to him. And what's troubling him is that when I start talking, people say, "Wow, he's right." And I'm saying the same thing. I feel bad, but what am I going to do? Not say anything? I'm there already. I only noticed it at the end of the trip. And I also noticed it after I realized he doesn't like me too much. After I left. But anyway, he sees me talking, and his parents all of a sudden, they're giving me these compliments, and his brother, and the guests, and everybody loves me. And for him, he's saying the same thing, same Torah, but no one's listening to him. What's the difference? The difference is exactly this: when he's yelling and screaming at them, everybody's saying, "No, enough with your big ego, know-it-all." They have a lot of words for him.

24:56Me, apparently they saw that I have nothing to benefit. They're not paying me. I'm not asking for anything. And we're just talking. It so happens that what I'm talking about is Torah. You want to listen to it, listen to it. I don't know what they do, what they don't do, what they keep, what they don't keep. I just know what it is in Torah. See, there's no hidden agenda. You see, this is purely, it's pure. It's not tainted with anything, with any bias, with any ego. I'm not debating them. This is what it says. And they have the sources and so on. And they're accepting it. And that's the thing you have to understand when you're rebuking people is that it can work. Every single one of you can be 50 million times more productive than me. 50 million times more productive than me. But you have to follow the rules. Rule number one: remove your ego. Remove your ego. Remember, you are doing it to help them, not to be right. To help them. Rebuke is to help, not to show people you're right because you're smart and you're good looking and you're this. No one cares. Help. If you want to help, do it. If you don't want to help, be quiet. You're ruining everything anyway.

26:16That's the most important part when it comes to rebuke. If you want to help, and like I said, until you are sure that your ego has been removed completely, it's better to get somebody else to do it and do it indirectly. Next question.