How To Give?

0:06Like, let's say, for example, if I have a tortilla or if I have a donut or something else that I want to hand to somebody, I'm trying to understand why I wouldn't be able to hand it to somebody. I mean, technically, from understanding your question, if I have a cookie, or I have a tortilla, or I have a piece of bread, or I have anything really, I can hand it to anybody else. The only time that I can think of when a person may have to be more careful with handing is during the motzi, when you have the Kiddush of Shabbat, or you have Kiddush of the Chag, of Yom Tov. The Chachamim say that you have to treat the bread, when you do the blessing of the bread, with a certain level of respect. So there's an old tradition that some people have that's mistaken, which is to take the hamotzi and throw it to people.

1:18throw it to people across the table. Why? Because you're not supposed to hand the bread to them. So, he says get it to them, but that's a disrespectful way according to some. So, what's the best way to do it? You give it to them by putting it on a plate or placing it on a table for them to take. That's the only time that I would say you have to be more conscious of how you give it to them instead of throwing it. But other than that, as long as you're not disrespecting the food or the person that you're giving it to, there's no problem giving something to somebody. But that's also something that a person should be conscious of, not just giving, but also knowing how to give. Many people know to give, but they don't know how to give. And this is not just with food, but it's with a lot of things, because the way that you give something many times is more impactful on a person than what you gave. For example, if, let's say, you have a child, and you tell them, "Listen, can you make me a coffee? I just came back from work after a long day." If your child comes to you and just gives you some hot water... Many times, it is more impactful on a person than what you give. For example, let's say somebody says, "You know, you have a kid, and you tell them, 'Listen, can you make me a coffee? I just came back from work after a long day.' If your kid comes to you and just gives you some hot water..."

2:36that you're not even sure if the cup was clean before you put it there, and he puts a bag of tea or coffee next to it or something, and he puts the sugar next to it, and he's like, "Make it yourself." That's not exactly such a precious coffee that he made you. In reality, if you're a strict father or mother, you probably want to pour it on him instead of taking this coffee. It's not good coffee. Why? This is how you give your father coffee? This is how you give your father coffee? Make it nice, delicious, and give it to me. Say, "Hey, thank you, Abba, for giving me the opportunity to give coffee." That's how you give. But if you give me coffee like this, just with warm water and some mud next to it, it's not giving it to me in a nice way, right? So it's about the way you give coffee. Another way, for example, if you say, "Oh, honey, I'm hungry, can you give me something to eat?" right? She gives you something to eat. Now, if it's 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and you've woken her up, whatever she gives you, you say thank you. But if it's, let's say, 2 o'clock in the afternoon... and two o'clock in the afternoon, or it's five o'clock, some normal time that you eat. Honey, I'm hungry. I am hungry, and she gives you a—she'll hold on a second—all right, and she gives you a piece of gum that she has left over. She needs to have the half because here you go, eat. Come on, yeah, go ahead, eat. Now, it's not exactly such a good wife, right? Why? Because it's not what you feed your husband. You need a little bit more than a piece of half-chewed gum. So again, you gave him food, but it's not exactly the way to give. But sometimes, Ba'al HaBayit (master of the house)...

3:54you give tzedakah. You give tzedakah, right? Say, "Here you go. Here you go, tzedakah." You have a few dollars on you, and you see some homeless guy or a rabbi or somebody who looks homeless but isn't really. You say, "Here, here you go," like this—"Hey, hey, look, here's a horse! Here, here, here you go." That's not a way to give. Why? Why does the whole world need to hear the whole thing? Why? You have to treat the person that you're giving to with some dignity and respect, and not treat them as if they're some poor, miserable person. Many times, people who give do the opposite, where they give the person not just the money but a little bit of embarrassment too. And you go, but before you take it, they hold on to the 20, they hold on to the 10, they hold on to whatever bill, and he's holding on to the other end, but they want to give him a speech. Listen... Use this money wisely. Don't spend it all in one place. And by the way, your wife didn't look so well, so maybe you should get her something nice. And your kids, they seemed kind of hungry, so perhaps you should give them some attention too. Money like that, it's better not to give it away. Don't give it. Other times, sometimes, a person might say, "Listen, they donated money, and they want to make sure, 'Listen, did you get it?' Yeah, I got it. I got it. Thank you. Thank you. Did it arrive in the mail? Yeah, I got it. Okay, good."

5:14A day later, so you got the money. Yeah, I told you yesterday that I got it. I got it. I got it. Okay, fine, fine. A week later, listen, so did you spend the money that I gave you already? What, you need it back? No, no, I was making sure you got it. But I just told you I got it already. Okay, did you get anybody else? And what... Start asking 500 questions with this. It's not necessary. If you donate on the website, I got it. You don't have to tell me, "Did you get it?" If you donate on the website, you receive a receipt, which means they got it. You don't have to ask 500 times. But a lot of times, people do that. Why? Because what do they really want? What do they want? They don't just want to give; they want to be thanked. They want to know that you appreciate that they gave. Now, if you're giving because you're waiting to get appreciation, it's okay, but it's not the best way to give. It's almost similar to that like coffee with, you know, instant coffee. It's not mud; it's not like garbage, but it's not ideal. Why? The ideal should be the highest form of tzedakah.

6:30The giver doesn't know who the receiver is. The receiver doesn't know who the giver is. That's the highest form. Now, we can't do that all the time because, number one, we cannot trust people to just, you know, tell them, "Listen, you give it to whoever." And we cannot trust that, you know, it's going to the right receiver. So we have to sometimes know who we're giving it to. But we should try to aim... To be at the best level of tzedakah, don't make a whole ordeal out of it. For example, saying, "Listen, I want to make sure that when I give it to you, you provide me with a receipt every time. And you also send me a special thank you email and a special message. And every time I see you, I need you to make sure that you look at me." You don't have to make a whole deal out of it. Why? Because if you're giving for that, it's better you don't give. Why? Although it's meritorious to give, you're spending all of the merits in this world. When somebody donates, for example, in shul, the Sephardim have this custom where they do an auction before the prayers, especially during Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah.

7:47and they sell the aliyot to the Torah. And that's usually the time when the synagogue raises the most money. However, if you notice, in many places, most of the money is donated by people who don't attend shul most of the year. Conversely, the people who attend regularly throughout the year often don't donate at this time. They might contribute to the shul at other times, but not during this period. Why do they let others have the opportunity? Chazal say that those people who donate, if they're not coming to the shul the whole year, why are they even donating? You would think, you know, the guy that's coming all year should donate. Yeah, he does donate, but just not then. Why let him? He's not coming next week, he's not coming next month, so if he doesn't donate now, he'll never donate. Okay, so we can understand the guy is going to donate later. But why is the guy that's only coming once or twice a year donating? Why? Because he wants to get the respect from all of the other people that even though he doesn't come, he's still supportive, he's still rich, he's still successful, he's still giving. And the Sages say that the guy that's donating, because he only donates because he wants to get the respect, the honor, and so on.

8:57he's gonna cry later on when he arrives at the Beit Din of Heaven. He says, "Listen, I gave a million dollars during my life, I gave 10 million dollars during my life, I gave whatever amount of money during my life, that's good, right?" And the Beit Din of Heaven say, "Yes, it's good, but the problem is that you got so much respect..." Forgiving publicly because every time you gave, it was like a billboard on the highway. Everyone knew you gave; you won the auction, you got the Aliyah, you got the respect. Everyone knew you are the gvir of the town because you gave, so everybody gave you a lot of respect. And they even did more business with you, they married your kids... right? So all of that honor, that was the pleasure that you got, that was the reward that you got, but you got it in this world. All you have left is Out of the pleasure that's owed to you, only 1-2% is left in the eternal world.

10:02And when a person sees the value of 1% of the eternal world versus 99% of what he got in the physical world, he's going to cry. Why? Because you'll see that that 1% is more pleasant than 99%, but he already spent it. Meaning, had he not gotten all of that kavod in the physical world and saved it all, or at least most of it, for the spiritual world, his reward would be infinite. Infinite. So again, there is a way to give, and there's a way to give. Know you can give, but sometimes when you give somebody, you're giving it to them and disrespecting them at the same time, or you're getting too much reward and kavod (honor) at one time, and so on and so forth. So, it's a very good subject to constantly delve into and perhaps maybe revisit at a future date. It's not just to worry about giving, but also how we give.

11:02How do we give? If your wife asks you a question and your answer is demeaning, aggressive, or nonchalant—yes, you answered her question, but you made her feel bad in the process—it would have been better if you had said, "I don't know." It would have been better if you hadn't said anything at all. It would have been better if you weren't even born, actually. Why? Because at least she wouldn't be insulted. In a sense, sometimes your wife asks you a question because she wants to know how you feel about something. And you're frustrated because of a million and a half different reasons. But that doesn't mean that you need to give her your frustrations. The same thing applies vice versa. Sometimes you're frustrated, and your husband comes home and asks if there's something to eat because he's hungry, because he's a human being. And you happen to be the chef in the house. But you're frustrated because your girlfriend forgot to call you, and your parents haven't come over, and you're this, and you're that, and the kids are driving you crazy. But all your husband asked for is a little bit of food. That's all he asked for. But you say, "Ah, no, come on, no, go to your mother's house." What? Okay. Well, it's better off you weren't married if you're going to answer him that way.

12:13Why does he deserve your frustration? Yes, you gave him an answer. You gave him an answer. But who needs an answer like this? Who needs an answer like this? So that's the thing. We give a lot. We're constantly giving in the world. Tzedakah, we give headaches, we give heartaches, we give a lot of things. The most important thing about giving is to think about what you're going to give before you give it, and think of it in a way: would you want to be the receiver of your gift? tzedakah, we give headaches, we give heartaches, we give a lot of things. The most important thing about giving is to think about what you're going to give before you give it, and think of it in a way: would you want to be the receiver of your gift? Before you give the gift of an answer, of a response, or whatever, would you want to be the receiver of that gift you're about to give your wife? Of that gift you're about to give your husband? Of that gift you're about to give your employee or the teller in the supermarket or whoever it is? Would you want to be the receiver? If the answer is yes, go ahead and give. If the answer is no, why not? Then why are you giving it?

13:16Why are you giving it? We're very excited to offer you the new Be'ezrat Hashem app 3.0. It's a newer, faster app, full of Torah, lots of Kedusha, by the shiurim that we do, myself, Rav Ephraim, Rav Chaim, where you'll also have newer features where you can use the app while using other applications on your phone. You'll be able to share the shiurim directly from the app. You'll be able to donate online and support our kehillah and the Torah work that we're doing. And the most exciting feature is that you'll be able to actually ask questions directly on the app and get answers from the rabbis directly from the app. This is something unprecedented, and Baruch Hashem, we will be able to offer it. Thank you again for all of your support. Check it out. Make sure you have the Kosher Torah that will re-energize your neshama each and every single day. Call to b'chavod tzara.