How to Return a Child That Is Gone Off The Derech (OTD)

1:00So I gave up very quickly, but I realized that it's still very important for me for them to come back to Hashem because I finally realized and saw the truth. So I would try to influence them indirectly. How is it indirectly? By giving them a CD. Get somebody else to talk to them. Get the rabbi to talk to them. Get the school to talk to them. Get their friends to talk to them. Find someone else that they would look up to. That's one way. The second thing is trying to find out what's the root of the cause of their behavior... What's the root of the cause of their behavior? In traditional places, it's similar to traditional cases—not all cases but, generally speaking, in traditional scenarios, it stems from their surroundings. For example, if you send a kid to a school that's comprised of a bunch of secular kids, naturally, he's going to want to be secular. If you send him to public school, he's going to want to be like the goyim. Why would he want to be Jewish in the public school? Naturally, he's going to want to be secular. If you send him to public school, he's going to want to be like the goyim. Why would he want to be Jewish in the public school? I actually know two kids who are really religious and go to public school because, unfortunately, the yeshiva system where they live is horrific and they refuse to let anyone in without having money. They can't afford it. I find that horrific. I think any school that rejects a kid because of money should not be considered a proper institution.

2:21they're not doing it as a business, it's not Judaism. You know, yes of course, you have to make money, you have to put a roof over everyone, and you have to pay the teachers. I'm not saying that yeshiva should be free or anything. Yeah, of course, if it costs money, it costs money, but to reject a kid because of money, you're a wicked person. A key important thing is that I saw that it is possible to have a religious kid go to public school, but it's very uncommon. Very uncommon, a "don't try this at home" type of thing. Now, most kids that go to public school want nothing to do with Judaism. Why? Because they feel embarrassed by their friends. And a kid that's 13 years old is highly motivated by his surroundings, much more than an adult. He doesn't have his own unique opinion yet. He has an opinion, but that opinion is a reflection of his exterior. So that exterior, most of the time, comes from his friends. The other place that it comes from is from... He's been an MTJ for the past eight years. So then, but the... With Rabbi Feinstein. In front of Rabbi Feinstein. With Rabbi Feinstein's son. by his surroundings, much more than an adult. He doesn't have his own unique opinion yet. He has an opinion, but that opinion is a reflection of his exterior. So that exterior, most of the time, comes from his friends. The other place that it comes from is from... He's been at MTJ for the past eight years. So then, but the... with Rabbi Feinstein. In front of Rabbi Feinstein. With Rabbi Feinstein's son.

3:41That's what I'm saying. He's totally with the whole thing and totally went against everything. Everything. And he went to public school now. But who decided whether he goes to public school or not? How come he can't go to work? Because he's living with his father. Okay, so that's the thing. So he has the influence of his father, right? And so I don't even see him anymore. I have nothing to do with. I don't know if I want to do anything with him because he's going against Hashem in the way he has chosen to do this on his own. So that's what I'm saying. I don't know if I am supposed to continue speaking to this kid or just let it go because Hashem says, okay, you're not. I did what I had to do. Yeah, I mean, you have a situation that's different than the... Okay, so if, let's say, for example, the parents were still married and you were still under the same roof as the child, both parents, which means that the influence of both parents is united. You would still be responsible as much as possible to influence him as long as he's under your roof. But as soon as he moves houses and he lives with his father,

4:53which obviously is a primary influence in his life. You could try to influence him if it's possible, but it also says in certain places that if it's, you know, certain things, certain times where you're wasting your time. Meaning that if you know someone is not going to listen to you, don't bother telling them. Now, some people take this specific ma'amar from the Gemara, where if you know someone's not going to listen, just don't bother telling them, a little too far. Meaning that they say, listen, I'm not going to tell the guy that violates Shabbat to keep Shabbat because he's just not going to listen, so why bother? But that's not true. That's not what the Gemara says. The Gemara says that if it's something that's not biblical, it's something that's rabbinical. Meaning, if you see that he is, for example, making any type of rabbinical sin, and you know that if you tell him, "Listen, you know what, you really should do netilat yadayim," you should still make the effort. The point here is that we should not ignore the responsibility of giving tochacha, or rebuke, even when we think the person might not listen. However, it is essential to differentiate between rabbinical and biblical mitzvot. For a rabbinical mitzvah, like netilat yadayim, it might be more of a challenge to compel someone. Nonetheless, we must still attempt to guide them in the right way, especially in more serious matters, as outlined in the Gemara Masechet Chagigah which we discussed previously. You really should do this without him. You know, he says, come on, leave me alone. If you know he's going to say, leave me alone, don't bother telling him. Because why? Because it's a rabbinical sin. But if you see the guy driving on Shabbat, that's a biblical sin. You have to tell him something. So people take this too far, and that's one of the excuses that people use, as to not tell, not to rebuke the people around them. But this also brings us back to that Gemara Masechet Chagigah that we talked about before.

6:17which is that Hashem destroyed the Beit HaMikdash because everyone mistranslated this Gemara and got to a point where they said, you know what? They're not going to listen anyway, so I'm not going to say anything. And this is the reason why Hashem punished the Rabbis before He punished the secular people during the times of the Beit HaMikdash. So, on that end, if it's United house, you'd still be responsible. If it's not a united house, if it's unfortunately a broken house where the primary influence in his life is his father and your opinion is virtually worthless at this stage, there is very little you can do. The one thing I would definitely suggest for you to do is, just like Hashem did not give up on us, don't give up on Him completely. Always try, but try with, like, you know, small little tidbits, little grains. Just like David HaMelech says, eventually you're going to yield the benefit out of these grains, out of these seeds that you plant.

7:20You can plant seeds here and there. So, okay, it's not every day that you should say, "Listen, you should keep Shabbat, you should do this, you should stop this." No, not every day. Because then he's not going to want to talk to you, it's going to work against you. But, when you go, if you see him, give him a CD. It doesn't matter if he listens to it or not. Just give him the CD. If he says, "No, I don't want to see it," say, "Okay, just take it, just in case. Take it. Just make your mom happy for five seconds by taking the CD." Even if you know for sure he's going to throw it in the garbage, don't worry, I'll pay for it. Give him the CD. Next thing after that, don't ever stop praying for him. Don't ever stop praying for him. Why? Because if you look at everyone today that's like the biggest Baalei Teshuva, the serious, most serious Baalei Teshuva, who is it? The younger generation. You see their parents? None of them are religious. Sometimes you have religious parents, Shomer Shabbat, but for the most part, Parents sometimes are kofrim. I have one guy, one student, a Russian guy. Baruch Hashem, he did teshuva. Baruch Hashem, he got married. The guy was an atheist before me, mamash an atheist. He came to me, started doing teshuva, started learning every day. One day, he calls his mom, who lives in Israel, and tells her, "Ima, listen, just wanted to let you know that when you come to visit me, I keep Shabbat."

8:46What are you doing that for? What do you mean? No, in the last six months, I've become religious. He started crying on the phone. He goes, I would have preferred you tell me that you're addicted to cocaine instead. That's his parents. So, the problem is that you have some serious Baalei Teshuva in the world today. You look at their parents, and you wonder, whose merit is it? As it says, The merit of the parent. Look at the parents. Sometimes the parents are the worst people on earth. So what is it? The merit of some grandparent, some great-grandparent, who didn't stop praying for that kid. And the kid died without doing teshuva. But Hashem said that prayer has to go somewhere. So, I promise you that at some point that neshama will do teshuva. It will come back in a gilgul. Because you can't go to Gan Eden. It has to come back. Come back in a gilgul, and eventually, it's going to do teshuva. Why? For the prayer from five generations ago. One of the biggest things I can tell you, myself as an example, the number one reason that motivated my teshuva—my return to the faith—is, I think, the only merit I have: my mother's prayers. My mother prayed for 10 years, 10 years for me to do teshuva. The amount of prayer that this woman gave, and it's not like she was a rabbanit or anything, but she believed that I could do teshuva. Why? I have no idea. She had dreams, she had this, she had that, I don't know. All I know is that she didn't stop praying for me.

10:13I was with my wife at the time, and she wasn't Jewish for a long time. She's not going to say, "Listen, leave her." She knew I wasn't going to leave her. On top of that, she couldn't not like her. She's the most likable person on earth. On top of that, she's the only person who cared about me when I was sick and miserable and wanted to kill myself with all the sickness that I had. So you can't really go against her. You can't really say much to me. The last thing I want to do is start keeping Shabbat because I'm dying from pain right now. Please, leave me alone. So, what do you do? What do you have left to do? Pray to Hashem. Hashem, save this child. The doctors say he's dying. She didn't stop praying for 10 years, with prayers filled with tears upon tears. The woman didn't stop crying. She either called or visited every single rabbi I can think of. She traveled to Israel, Morocco, and all over America. She contacted every rabbi. She has a book, a black book, filled with rabbis' names. You would think this is the Gadol Hador. It's like you think this is some major rabbanit who knows everyone in the world.

11:22She reached out to any rabbi who had a reputable name, and she would persistently call him until he finally answered the phone or returned her call. When he eventually called back, he would ask, "Okay, what can I do for you? What do you want?" She would respond, "Pray for my son." He would ask, "Who's your son?" And she would share his story and begin crying, pouring her heart out to them. Often, the rabbi would find himself moved by her sincerity and pain, and he would start crying with her. Witnessing this mother, desperately pleading for her son, would evoke sympathy. They would share in her tears and commence their prayers. One time, this big rabbi, this big Mekubal in Netanya, gave her a shock. She went. This was a long time ago. She waited in line, and this specific rabbi didn't see women. He didn't see women. Such a holy, holy person. Usually, the women would see his wife. But she was waiting, waiting, and she saw him passing. And she started screaming to the rabbi, "Please, please, answer me, answer me." She started, like, mamash (truly), hysterically crying. She really believes in rabbis. She really values the tzaddikim (righteous ones). And not chas v'shalom (God forbid), she doesn't pray to rabbis, but she values them. She values their Torah. She started hysterically crying, then he stopped. He didn't turn around and start talking; he merely stopped to hear what she was saying.

12:46And she started crying hysterically, "Pray for my sons, pray for my son, my son, my son, my son, my son." The only thing he said, I don't know what he knew, or didn't know, I don't know what he knew. All I know is that what she told me shocked her. He said, "Your son has to do teshuva. Your son has to do teshuva." That's all he had left to say. That's the cure. So, a mother's prayers have no end. All of the gates of heaven can be closed except the tears of a mother that prays for her son. So, as much bitterness as he's creating in your heart, he's still your son. You know it. I know it. As annoying as he is, as frustrating as he is, as frustrating as his father is, as frustrating as his surroundings are, it doesn't make a difference. In the end, you're still going to cry over him. So you might as well pray to Hashem while you cry because Hashem is listening. He's His son, too, so don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up. Listen, if I could do teshuvah, anybody in the world could do teshuvah. If I could do teshuvah, I'm telling you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zero. Zero.

14:07since he was born, and he went to MTJ for eight years. He has this hope to go to MTJ and to be around a fine kehillah, and his children and grandchildren and everything. Most people don't have that. So I'm thinking to myself, well, if he had all that, and he still decided to go against Hashem, I don't know if it's the same kind of thing as you not ever knowing, and then, you know what I'm saying, but somebody that knew and knows everything, you know, since he was a baby. Okay, so I'll give you some hope from the Torah. He's only 13. He's only 13. Why? He's a kofrim...

15:08Listen, well, listen, it's not a big deal. Okay, but I'm saying, what does he do that's so against the Torah? Like what? Does he kill people? Is he homosexual? I'm asking you this for a reason. I'm not trying to make some... Okay. Okay, does he commit any illicit acts? Why am I asking these questions? Hold on, why am I asking these questions? Okay, one time there was a great tzaddik. He was such a great tzaddik that he inspired the entire nation to engage in full-time Torah study. to such an extent that Hashem said, "If I would decide to bring the Mashiach, he would be the Mashiach." His name was Chizkiyahu. One of the 24 books of the Tanach talks about the story of Chizkiyahu. He was the king of Israel and he was a tzaddik. To such an extent,

16:31He said he put the sword down, dug it into the ground, and declared, "Whoever doesn't go learn Torah, I'm going to kill him. You have no choice; you have to go learn Torah." To such an extent that even the babies, the ones who were 18-month-old, knew the entire Mishnah by heart. To that extent. We don't know the entire Mishnah by heart when we're 80 years old, yet little babies knew it at 18 months. To that extent. One day, the prophet comes to him and says, "Tomorrow you're going to die. Tomorrow's your last day. You've gotten sick, and tomorrow you're going to die." So he asked, "Why? One day I'm a mashiach, the next day I'm going to die? Why? What did I do?" The prophet answered, "Because you decided not to get married." He said, "Yes, but I did a mitzvah. My mitzvah was..." that I knew, I saw through prophecy, that my son is going to be Menashe. Menashe is a Rasha Merusha. He's going to commit egregious sins against his own family. He's going to kill his grandfather. He's going to engage in horrific actions. He's going to bring avodah zarah (idol worship) to Am Yisrael. This is not just anyone; this is a king who will lead Am Yisrael astray into avodah zarah. You expect me to bring this into the world? You want me to introduce an enemy of Hashem into the world? The Prophet says, it's not your concern.

17:52The outcome is not your business. You are still responsible to fulfill the mitzvah. A simple mitzvah: have intimacy with your wife, bring a child into the world. She says to the prophet, "Okay, if that's what Hashem wants. If that's really what it's all about, let me marry your daughter." He marries the prophet's daughter, who bore Menashe. Menashe makes your child look like the Gadol HaDor among Tzadikim. Menashe took his grandfather, Yeshayahu HaNavi (Isaiah the Prophet), and chopped him into pieces, like they do at the butcher. Chopped him into pieces. His grandfather, the Prophet, he took him up. That’s why he actually committed murder. If he commits murder, maybe he'll be like Menashe. But he doesn't commit murder, Baruch Hashem. Chopped him up, the Prophet, the Gadol HaDor, he chopped him up. Raped. murdered, idolatry, everything and anything you can possibly imagine. What's the end of the story of Menashe? He did teshuva. The Gemara says he has a share in Olam Haba. With all the problems that he has, he is still mentioned in the book of Divrei HaYamim. Why?

19:06He did teshuva. At the end of his life, he did teshuva. However, he wasn't mentioned directly in his own book, in his own story. Why? Because it took time for all of the idol worship that he introduced to the world to be eradicated. For all of the sins that he caused to be ultimately eliminated. It took several generations for that to be over. But eventually, when all of the sins and all of the negative consequences he caused and led to were removed from the world, he was welcomed to Olam Haba. and he's mentioned as someone who has a share in the World to Come. And this is someone whom you hear the details of just one of the stories, not all of them, just one of them. You think, how is this person even mentioned in the Torah? This person seems worse than Pharaoh. Yet he has a share in the World to Come. Why? Because if he could do teshuva, I can do teshuva. If I can do teshuva, your son can do teshuva. What do you need? You need mercy from Hashem. How do you receive mercy from Hashem? You pray to Him. Say, Hashem, I did everything I could. I sent him to a good school. I went to a big Rabbi. I pray to You. I learn Your Torah. I try to fulfill everything possible. I try to do everything. You are my number one foundational reason for every decision. I do everything You want. You said, make your will into My will, and I'll make My will into your will. You said it. So what's missing?

20:34There's one secret ingredient that I can give you. Be'ezrat Hashem, it will put your son and your prayers on a VIP list. This, we said before the Shul, but it's worth mentioning again. The Prophet Isaiah mentions, I believe it's chapter 33. It's actually in the Book of Jeremiah, chapter 15, not 33: "Im tovi me'zolal ke'fitiy" - "If you extract the precious from the vile, you shall be as my mouth." Hashem says to the prophet, if you do teshuva, tell Am Yisrael if they do teshuva, I welcome them, they'll stand next to me. But if you bring one of my children back to me, you will be like my mouth. Meaning, when you do teshuva, it is always accepted. Even Menashe could do teshuva, and you can do teshuva. No problem, that's the first part. The second part is much more significant for this situation.

21:35He says, but if you bring one of my children back home, I love my children. I created them. I created the whole world for them. I created all these stars for them. Everything is for them. The Torah is for them. Everything is for them. But they ran away from me. They used the tools that I gave them against me. I gave them a tool called loss of memory. Why? Because I don’t want them to be sad because they have some bad memories. So I want them to forget these bad memories. You know, remember that he lost his puppy. Do you want him to cry about the lost puppy when he's 35 years old? The lost game of cards with his friend. Do you want him to cry when he's 35 years old? It's been 30 years already. His teacher yelled at him. Do you want him to cry 20 years later because the teacher yelled at him? He fell and broke his hand. Do you want him to cry from the pain he had 15 years ago from a broken hand? No. So Hashem gave us forgetfulness, memory loss. Why? As a tool. As a tool... to ease our pain. Eventually, all pain goes away. Why? Because of this tool. What did we do with this tool? We used this tool of forgetfulness against Hashem. What did we do with it? We forgot Hashem. We forgot Hashem is the Boss. Instead of forgetting the bad things, we forgot the good things. So Hashem says to the prophet, one of my sons, one of my daughters, they forgot me.

23:00They use that thing I gave them; they use it against me. They use the parnasah to go pay for things that are against me. Bring them back to me. Remind them of me. I'm here. Remind them. Bring them back. You do that, you achieve that, you get somebody to keep Shabbat, you get somebody to be serious about me, learn Torah on a regular basis. Your prayer will be like my prayer, meaning your mouth will be like my mouth. Even if I bring a decree to the world and say, this person's time is up, he's run out, I have to give him this disease, cancer. You pray for him, and you could override that decree. Why? You have VIP treatment. Why do you have VIP treatment? Because just like I created man, when you bring him back to Me, you're also considered a creator.

24:00So now, Hashem loves every single one of His creations. He loves every single one of His children even more so, especially when they're called chosen. Your son is also chosen, but he doesn't want to be chosen because he doesn't know what it means. So you can't do much right now, but he can. So my strategy is to go worry about Hashem's other kids. Go try to get Hashem's other children to come back to Hashem. Hashem sees that. "Oh, you were with my other children? Okay, okay, where's your child now? Oh, come, come." And that's what happened with many of the people, Baruch Hashem, that I couldn't reach. Family, friends, different people, Baruch Hashem, there's no way in the world that I could influence them. Why? Because they're always going to look at me as my past. This is Mr. Businessman, this is this, this is that. It wasn't like I was a murderer, exactly. I was a decent human being. Shani over here worked for me for many years. He knows me. He can tell you guys I wasn't a murderer. I helped a lot of people. I was a decent human being. But according to Hashem, it was a chesron. I didn't follow His laws. So they remember me as that guy. So for me to go to him and say, hey, you should keep Shabbat, you should keep this, you should keep that, some people just can't get over that hurdle. They just can't do it.

25:23But I still like them. I still care for them. I still want Hashem to help them. So I pray for them. I pray for them. Baruch Hashem, every time we do a lecture, every time we do a shiur, every time we give out a CD, it helps. It helps. It helps. And I start seeing some of these people that I couldn't influence, even if my life depended on it. I see Hashem opens the door in a different way. All of a sudden, they come, "Oh, you know that Rabbi Mizrachi guy?" Yeah, yeah, I heard about him. Yeah, I heard about him. What about him? Yeah, he's amazing. Did you ever hear about him? He's good. I'm like, I don't want to give you a CD, but I don't even say it. I don't want to give you the CD even though. Who cares? It doesn't make a difference. Let him do teshuva. Oh, they come to me with a chiddush. Oh, you ever hear this? Wow, amazing. Who cares? I don't need the credit. He knows. What I try. Point is... Hashem opened the door in a different way. You're like this rabbi, you're like that rabbi, it doesn't make a difference to me, just do teshuva. So, the best thing to do is to start making other children of Hashem your top priority every day. Spend a few minutes every day—five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes, depending on how much time you have, an hour, whatever time you have—and contribute to kiruv. Contribute in every way you possibly can to do kiruv. But on a regular basis, not like once in a blue moon.

26:36every day do something. If you have money, contribute money. If you have time, contribute time. If you have a skill, contribute a skill. If you have all, contribute all. The point is, make kiruv your business. Of course, you have to work, you have to live, you have to do whatever you've got to do to survive. But the point is, make kiruv a serious part of your life. Why? Because the only way your son is going to get this VIP treatment, is if you become one of those that Hashem calls, you'll be like my mouth. You become like His mouth, you don't even have to worry anymore. Eventually it's going to happen. Stop worrying. You don't have to worry about it. It's paid for already. You just don't know. It hasn't showed up in the bank account yet. Next. No, you have some more questions or we finish the entire Torah? Baruch Adonai le'olam. Amen ve'amen. is going to get this VIP treatment, is if you become one of those that Hashem calls, you'll be like My mouth. You become like His mouth, you don't even have to worry anymore. Eventually, it's going to happen. Stop worrying. You don't have to worry about it. It's paid for already. You just don't know. It hasn't shown up in the bank account yet. Next. No, do you have some more questions, or have we finished the entire Torah? Baruch Adonai Le'olam. Amen ve'amen.