Staring at the line between life & death TRUE STORY

0:40David HaMelech tells us a very significant secret about prayer, an important secret that each one of you should utilize this Rosh Hashanah, as it approaches in a few days. It says, "A prayer of David," so David HaMelech is praying to Hashem, "Incline Your ear, answer me, for I am poor and destitute."

1:42Not only does it mean that the ani is even better, it's even higher, but it means that anybody can do it. And you don't have to go to a cave. You can pray in the Beit Knesset, and cry to Hashem. Beg Hashem to help you with your teshuva. Beg Hashem to help you with your modesty. Beg Hashem to help you with conversion. Beg Hashem to help you with teshuva for your family. Beg Hashem to help you with mitzvot. Beg Hashem to help you with limud Torah so you can get past page one. So now, my mom, God bless her, reminded me of a story today. Why did I think of this? I'm thinking to myself, did I ever do this? I prayed many times to Hashem, and during the whole time that I, uh... I used to pray a lot, very, very strong prayers. But she reminded me today of a story, something that happened, that mamash gave me a little bit of perspective on how this really works. Now, what does it mean to be poor? Poor doesn't just mean lacking money.

3:12It could be money. But what does poor really mean? What does destitute really mean? Destitute means you have no choice. You're out of choices. You go up to Hashem, and raise your hands, saying, "I have no choice, I have no hope, I have nothing. All I have is You." Meaning, you have money, but you're not going to ask Hashem for more money. You have money, so even if the check didn't come in on time, you still have a few thousand dollars in the bank. You're not desperate. But if you have a negative balance in the bank, now you may be desperate, but you know that there's a check in the mail, you're still not desperate. Your check is in the mail, you're not desperate. If you have a negative balance in the bank and there's no check in the mail and there are no customers, nothing, you're sitting at home looking at the TV while the Hatzala (emergency rescue service) guy comes and collects. You know, in Israel, they come when you owe money and start taking your furniture, repo-style. Yeah, they come and take your furniture. They're taking your television—take the television as soon as possible—it's better for you anyway. They're taking the couch, taking this.

4:22So, you're sitting over there, and you have no idea what's going to happen, but you're still thinking, okay, I still have enough stuff; maybe I'll sell the couch that I didn't take. You're still not destitute. When are you destitute? When one of your kids says, "Abba, I'm hungry," and you have nothing to feed them. When one little kid says, "Abba, I'm hungry," your whole world collapses. Your whole world collapses. Because that's when you realize, I have nothing. I am nothing. I have no other hope other than Hashem. I have nothing. So, before really doing teshuva, you know, we got a lot of tests, Baruch Hashem. My mom told me this story today. Mama, she put me in perspective. How Hashem gets you to a point, like He says in this parasha.

5:31a long time ago, we reached a point where it was perhaps four years into the sickness. It got to a stage where I was undergoing surgery after surgery, so frequently that it felt like an experiment. But then, one day, I the infection that I got was different, different from all the other infections. Usually, the infections that I would have were very, very painful, but you'd get familiar with them. You know, your skin was still the same, it's just that you felt like you had, like, I don't know, like a golf ball or something inside your skin. You can't wait for it to get out. But here, I had an infection that made my skin like rubber, almost like mushy rubber, very, very strange. And the doctors told me, we're sorry, it's in an area that's very sensitive, and we'll have to have a surgeon. We have to pretty much cut the whole part out.

7:00We have no idea what it is. We haven't seen this. We just have to cut it out because it's an infection, and we need to remove it. Based on what they're telling me, after the surgery, I'm likely not going to be able to have children, and I won't be able to go to the bathroom by myself permanently. And who knows what kind of life I'm going to have after this challenging surgery. And on top of it, when I'm in the hospital, even though I've had several surgeries before this, this time I don't feel like I'm going to wake up. This time I feel like I'm going to the surgery, and I'm not waking up. The first time I started looking at it like that, I just had this bad feeling. I've had surgeries before. I've gone under anesthesia a bunch of times already at this point. It was like everybody knew me already. You know the process: they put in the injection, you go to sleep, get a nap, and whatever. You wake up with some pain sometimes, but usually, you have morphine in your system. Baruch Hashem, other than the first surgery, the other surgeries, as long as they had morphine already ready for me, were fine. The recovery was okay.

8:24But this time, I had a bad feeling. Good hospital, good doctors. No problem. Everything was the same. But this time, I feel like I'm staring the Malach HaMavet in his eyes. But it's not something you see. You just feel it. You had a hundred surgeries before. It doesn't make a difference. Right now, this one's different. This one is different. And I'm shaking, petrified, because in the next few minutes, they're supposed to come and take me to the surgery. And I don't have a choice. I don't want to have the surgery, but this infection is spreading rapidly. What can happen? So you'd rather take off a piece of your body than nobody. I'm petrified. break down, I have no idea what to do. Mamash, I feel like I'm thinking about it today. So much stuff, saying goodbye, this, that. But everybody says, you know, you say, "Listen, I didn't want to live. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to live." You know, I told you guys I was like suicidal and didn't want to live. But when you get to that point, all of a sudden you want to live. All of a sudden you want to. All of a sudden the guy that was suicidal wants to live. So my mom...

9:54God bless her, she says to me, "Read Tehillim. I'm reading for you. I pray for you all the time. Here, Tehillim number 6, Tehillim 12. I heard it's good." I used to hate when my mom would give me prayers. I had no connection whatsoever to religion. I just, you know, whatever. It was... When she would pray for me all the time and she would give me blessings when she would see me, I told her, Ima, stop blessing me, Hashem hates me. That's the level that I got to. So much pain all the time, how could Hashem like me? Oh, Hashem, now I know Hashem loves me more than everybody because look what He put me through to get to here. But when you're in the fire, all you can feel is the pain. But this time, I had no choice. She gives me Tehillim, I said, yeah, okay, give me the Tehillim, give me the Tehillim. I just start reading nonstop, I read Tehillim number six, and it's the first time reading Hebrew in who knows how long. And I'm crying, and I'm reading, and this, and as soon as I finish reading the Tehillim, the doctors come, sir come, they take me. I will never forget this feeling.

11:09I go, they put me under anesthesia. I wake up, and they put me back in the room. I don't feel any pain. First of all, I'm surprised that I woke up. Then I'm sitting there, and I don't feel any pain. Usually, there's pain, but there's nothing connected to me, and there's no pain. So I'm thinking, did I die? Like, what happened? But then I start seeing my wife and my mom. Okay, what happened? And the doctor comes in and says, "We have good news and we have bad news." Okay, what's the good news, and what's the bad news? The good news is, we didn't cut anything, there's no surgery needed. Wow, amazing. Okay, what's the bad news? The bad news is, we have no idea what it is. But it's not an infection, it's just something else. We'll give you some medicine and... And it'll work. It's something that was supposed to destroy my body forever. When I hit rock bottom and finally raise my hands to Hashem, Hashem Yitbarach, I have no other choice.

12:24The money I have is worthless. The friends I had are worthless. Everything is worthless. The only thing I have is Kelim number 6, and I'm reading it over and over again, trying to even understand what it says. But all I can do is cry to Hashem because that's all I have left. That's Tefillat Chasid Ani. When you get to Rosh Hashanah, remember this story. you want siyata diShmaya with your learning Torah. You want siyata diShmaya with finding a good woman or finding a good man. You want siyata diShmaya with children. You want siyata diShmaya with anything in your life. Pray like it counts, pray like it's the only thing that you have, it's the only choice. Once you do that That's when the doors open wide, because now Hashem says, that's the prayer I was waiting for.