TeShuva Secrets From The RAMBAN's Letter To His Son

1:35I read a lot of books on the way to shul. Why waste time? Why are you looking at the floor the whole time? Read a book. Do something useful with your time. Same thing with every day. Want to learn mussar? Take a page. Take two pages. Each chapter is two pages. Each chapter is like one or two or three words or one verse or something like that. And it gives you commentary, and it's real serious mussar. The point is, rabotai, that it's not expensive to work on yourself. It's not expensive. It's actually expensive not to work on yourself. So this letter is really all a person needs to learn in order to understand that not working on oneself is detrimental. Because the Ramban writes, even if you understand this literally, I want to read the letter literally, and then I'll provide you with a bit of insight, and then we'll finish. The Ramban writes to his son, "Heed, my son," meaning, listen. Listen to me.

2:37Hate, my son, the discipline of your father and do not forsake the guidance of your mother. This is actually a verse in Proverbs 1:8. Accustom yourself to speak gently to all people at all times. This will protect you from anger right off the bat. The baddies are talking to you about why, why, why is this? Why, why, why is he mentioning anger? How come he's not talking about jealousy? How come he's not talking about stinginess? How come he's not discussing being unkempt? How come he's not addressing all the other negative traits? There are so many different bad middot (character traits); why is he mentioning anger? This is because anger is a most serious character flaw, which causes one to sin. In essence, the root of all evil starts with anger. which itself starts from arrogance. But you're not going to admit you're arrogant because everybody thinks they're Moshe Rabbeinu. However, you're not going to deny you're angry, as anger is easier to pinpoint. Our Rabbis taught, "Whoever flares up in anger is subject to the discipline of Gehinnom," as it is written, "Banish anger from your heart and remove evil from your flesh."

4:02Evil mentioned here refers to Gehinnom. Apparently, Ramban believed in Gehinnom also. You can have a debate with the people from this generation. As it is written, "And the wicked are destined for the day of evil." What's evil? The evil here is Gehinnom. Once you have distanced yourself from anger, the quality of humility can develop. Enter your heart, meaning only once you've actually started working on your anger does your teshuva actually begin, and then we can talk about humility and generosity and all the other things. That's according to the Ramban over here. Why? As long as you're still angry, you're probably still making a lot of really big sins. So even though you may be making a few mitzvot, you keep Shabbat, you keep kosher, you keep taharat mishpacha, you keep a few other things, but if you haven't even started working on your anger and controlling yourself, you're probably making so many sins, it's at least balancing your mitzvot. Meaning you haven't really progressed that as much as you think, if at all. So that's why he starts with anger right off the bat. Then we can talk about humility and generosity and all the other things. That's according to the Ramban over here. Why? As long as you're still angry, you're probably still making a lot of really big sins. So even though you may be making a few mitzvot, you keep Shabbat, you keep kosher, you keep taharat hamishpacha, you keep a few other things, but if you haven't even started working on your anger and controlling yourself, you're probably making so many sins, it's at least balancing your mitzvot. Meaning you haven't really progressed that much as you think, if at all. So that's why he starts with anger right off the bat.

5:10He says once you've distanced yourself from anger, the quality of humility will enter your heart. This sterling quality is the finest of all admirable traits, meaning humility is the best middah (character trait) to have. As Scripture writes: "On the heels of humility comes the fear of Hashem." We learned this in the past from Proverbs 22:4, where... It says, "On the heels of humility comes the fear of Hashem," meaning that if you're humble, you'll arrive at Yirat Shamayim. Through humility, the fear of God will intensify in your heart, for you will always be aware of from where you have come and for where you are destined to go. As you can see, every single sentence is a verse from the Torah. There's no opinion here. This is all verse from Mishlei, from Kohelet, from Pirkei Avot, from the Gemara. There's no opinion here. It's one verse after another just put in a structured way. It's genius.

6:27Humility and the fear of God will intensify in your heart, for you will always be aware of where you have come from and where you are destined to go. You will realize that in life you are as frail as the maggot or the worm, all the more so in death. It is this sense of humility that reminds you of the one before whom you will be called for judgment: the King of Glory. Him it is written, "Behold, heaven and the heaven of heavens cannot contain You, surely not the hearts of men." Furthermore, it is written, "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" says Hashem. After you give serious thought to these ideas, you will stand in awe of your Creator and will be guarded against sin once you have acquired these fine qualities. You will indeed be happy with your lot. Want to achieve happiness? Two steps. One, stop being angry. Two, become humble. Stopping being angry will already eliminate all of your complaining. Only people that are angry at the world complain. If you're not an angry person, you're just naturally not going to complain. Complaining is a form of anger. You don't have to yell and scream in order to be angry.

7:53If you're just generally complaining, that means you're angry at something. So you want to be happy? Stop complaining. Stop complaining. Understand that everything that's happening to you is mida k'neged mida. It's measure for measure. Hashem is doing it. No one else. Once you actually stop complaining, automatically you'll become humble. You'll start appreciating what you do have. Once you've done that, you achieve happiness. Real happiness, not superficial, shallow happiness. When your actions display genuine humility, when you stand meekly before man and fearfully before God, when you are weary of sin, then the Spirit of God's presence will rest upon you. The splendor of His glory will be with you, and you will live the life of the world to come. In essence, he's telling you this is one of the keys. It's not the only thing, but this is one of the keys to achieving Ruach HaKodesh, which we'll talk about more tomorrow, B'ezrat Hashem, along with the other keys. But in essence, if you haven't achieved this, if you're still an angry person, you have zero chance of achieving Ruach HaKodesh. If you're still not humble, if all you talk about is all of your achievements and how wonderful you are, you still have no Ruach HaKodesh.

9:25God's presence will rest upon you, and with the splendor of His glory, you will live the life of the world to come. Now, my son, understand clearly: The one who is prideful in his heart towards other men rebels against the sovereignty of Heaven, for he glorifies himself in God's own robes. It is written, "Hashem reigns." He dons the mantle of grandeur, meaning that a person who is prideful is like someone who has stolen the robe from the king and pretends to be the king. It's such a joke. What are you so prideful about? You act as if you're the one who made the money. You act as if you're the one who made yourself good-looking. You act as if you're the one who made anything in life. You're acting as if you're not going to one day become a piece of meat that goes into a three-by-six box, one day that maggots are going to use for lunch and dinner. What makes you think that you're so wonderful? For, indeed, of what should man be prideful? If he has wealth, it is Hashem who makes him prosperous. And if it's honor, does honor not belong to God, as it is written: "Wealth and honor come from You." How can one glorify himself with the honor of his Maker?

10:42If he takes pride in wisdom, let him understand that God may remove the speech of the most competent and take away the wisdom of the aged. This is something I try to remind myself as often as possible. Anytime somebody tells me, "Wow, you're such a good speaker," I say, "Yeah, Baruch Hashem." It has nothing to do with me. Why? It really doesn't have anything to do with me. What do you think speaking is? Me? Speaking has nothing to do with me. If Hashem wants, speaking will be eliminated in a second. Forget about the ability to speak in regards to speaking. Well, let's make things connect. Say this, say that. Forget just literally the ability to speak could just go away. A person could have a, chas v'shalom, stroke. That's it. He can't talk anymore. What are you so proud of? I was a good salesman. Good. Okay, sell yourself now as a mute. Thus, all men stand as equals before their Creator, and... In his fury, He casts down the lofty. In His goodwill, He elevates the downtrodden. Therefore, humble yourself, for Hashem will lift you. Do you actually want to become somebody? Start by realizing you're a nobody. We're not saying nobody like you're a loser, and no one likes you, and you're smelly too. No, we're not saying to insult yourself. There is no mitzvah in insulting and abusing yourself.

12:09Humility does not mean that. Humility means knowing where you stand. Don't be one of these people who says, "No, Hashem, You know You're the greatest. I'm dust, ashes, and this and that." As soon as somebody does something you don't like, you start, "Hey, you know who I am." Didn't you just say in tefillah that you're dust and ashes and everything? He goes, "No, I'm dust and ashes in front of Him. Not you. You're a plumber. What are you?" What are you? What do you think you are? You think a person is saying, "I'm dust, I'm ashes, I'm nothing." He thinks he's comparing himself to Hashem? Well, do you think Hashem needs you to compare yourself to Him? Is this really a comparison? Bechlal! It's saying you're dust, and that's next to every man. You're nothing. That's what you're supposed to say. You're saying you're dust to Hashem? Thanks. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Well, you're so humble. You're like a second version, a 2.0 of Moshe Rabbeinu. You think Hashem, you think that's humility? You think you're das next to Hashem? No, next to everybody else. Stop being so arrogant. Think you're somebody. Thus, I shall explain to you how you may accustom yourself to the quality of humility, to walk with it always. Let your words be spoken gently. Let your head be bowed. Cast your eyes downwards. Always look down. Don't be one of these people that has a high head like this, always walking around like this.

13:37People walking around like they're looking for birds in trees or something—don't be one of those people. Look down. Why? Because, in essence, that causes you physically to become humble. Physical actions can influence the mental state of mind. In essence, your consciousness affects your subconscious. Cast your eyes downwards; raise your heart, your heart, your heart heavenwards. When speaking, do not stare at your listener. Don't be one of these people. Some people, when they greet you, look directly into your eyes, saying, "Hi, hi," and it can be quite distracting. In my experience in the business world, it often seemed to be women who did this, but regardless, it's important to maintain a comfortable level of eye contact and not make others feel uneasy. Be mindful and relaxed in your interactions. So don't be one of those people. I'll be one of those people. I don't know why people do that. Apparently, the Rambam knew about it also. Rambam. Yeah, because also if you stare at people, you make them feel uncomfortable. Let all men seem greater than you in your eyes. If another is more wise or wealthy than yourself, then you must show him respect. That's easy though.

15:02He's smarter than you, and he's wealthier than you. Why are you not going to show respect? In essence, he's telling you, don't be a hater. Don’t be a hater because he has more money than you; don't hate him because of that. Just because he's smarter than you, don't write things against him. Don't be a hater. Hashem doesn't like haters because jealousy, just so you know, prevents a person from being resurrected with the dead. Anyone who dies a jealous person will not experience resurrection of the dead. They keep Shabbat, keep Taharat Mishpacha, keep everything else. They cannot be resurrected if they're jealous, meaning that as long as you're talking about other people's money, you will not be resurrected. Just so you know. Oh, that conversation, what did it cost you, that conversation? Talking about LeBron James' money and your neighbor's house and the expansion of a company that's competing with you? You talked about it. What did it just cost you? It cost you the resurrection of the dead. That's the price. He had to meet him; it cost you. Are you a jealous person? Why are you talking about their money? There's a price for everything, and you should know that. That's how it gets us to stop talking too much. So now, it says, if someone is wiser and wealthier than you, then show him respect, meaning don't be a hater. But what about if it's more difficult? It says, if he's poor and you are richer or wiser than him, meaning he's poor in money or poor in da'at, in the brain and...

16:23What if he's poor? What if you're wiser than he is? Consider that he may be more righteous than yourself, meaning even if you're smarter than him, he's a bigger tzaddik than you. Even if you're richer than him, he's a bigger tzaddik than you. You give tzedakah, he learns Torah, though. If he sins, he says, "How can you do such a thing? How can you do such a thing? How do you use your imagination to think like this?" If he sins, it's the result of an error, whereas your transgressions are deliberate. Meaning, he's such a tzaddik, any sin he makes is accidental. You're a shayta, making a sin knowing you're sinning, and you still do it. You have a big yetzer hara, and you have to overcome it. all your words and actions and thoughts at all times imagine in your heart that you are standing in the presence of the Holy One, blessed be He. This is, in essence, the root of everything. Once a person truly understands that he's standing in front of Hashem, immediately he has enough Yirat Shamayim, enough fear of the Almighty, that he stops sinning, at least not the big ones, and

17:43Why? Because you have to literally be crazy to sin right next to your Maker. And if you're crazy, you're putter (exempt) anyway. You are absolved from sin anyway. That His presence rests upon you means thinking that Hashem is literally right here all the time. Indeed, the glory of Hashem fills the universe. Speak with reverence and awe, like a servant who stands in the presence of his master. Always talk as though your master is right next to you. When someone's supervisor is present, they speak with respect and mindfulness. They don't respond casually with "yeah, yeah." Instead, they ask, "Excuse me, sir, may I speak now?" because they seek permission. Why? The boss is right there. The boss is right there. You wouldn't speak arrogantly or boastfully with your boss watching you. Hashem is always next to you. So why speak with bravado? Reflect on this. It's truly profound.

18:44Act with restraint in the company of others. If someone calls out to you, do not answer with a loud voice, but respond gently in low tones as one who stands before his mentor. For example, if someone says, "Hey, are you coming?" Don’t respond loudly with, "Yeah, I'm coming." No, don’t do that. You're not in the market, you're not in the shuk. Why? God is next to you, you fool. Forget about the fact that he yelled at you. He may be in a shuk. He may be in the market. You're not. Hashem's next to you. Always think, Hashem's next to me. I can't talk like this next to Him. He's here. He's next to me. He's right here. If you think like that, I'll be there in a second. One second. What are you doing? Why are you whispering? Hashem's here. Why are you whispering? He's here. He's here.

19:46Take care to always study Torah diligently, so that you will be able to fulfill its commandments when you rise from study. Ponder carefully what you have learned; don't just be one of those people that learns a shiur one time and thinks, "Oh, yeah, I know everything. I know everything you said." You come to the shiur, the shiur is full of sources, study the sources. Study the shiur multiple times. I tell people all the time, honestly, I remember when I first started studying shiurim; I still do it now to this day with my rabbi. When I study with him, we do shiurim a few times every week, and I write notes. Most of the people I go to, I tell them, write notes, write notes. Every week, it's the same thing, the same advice, but nobody listens. Two people are writing notes right now. Three people are writing notes right now. Why? What, you think you're going to remember everything I say? I don't remember everything I'm going to say. Please, understand the importance of writing things down. Notes: Watch this again, as it's a lot of information. If you're not writing notes, you're wasting your time. It's gonna enter here, and it's gonna leave there. You may retain half a percent. Half a percent means you've wasted three hours of your life. When you rise from study, ponder carefully what you have learned, and see what there is in it which you can put into practice.

21:01Review your actions every morning and every evening, and in this way, live all your days in repentance, meaning do teshuva every day. At the end of the day, before you go to sleep, instead of watching sports or wasting your life, or eating as if you've never eaten before, take five, ten, or twenty minutes. And think, okay, what happened today? In the morning, I gave the finger to the guy. Yeah, that's not good. Okay. In the afternoon, I cheated somebody. Yeah, that's not good either. Think about all those things. Yeah, I made an excuse not to go to the shiur, but really it was just nonsense. I really could have gone to the shiur. I just didn't feel like it, and I overslept. Think about all those things. Why? That's the only way you're going to do teshuva. The only way you're going to do teshuva. We're almost done. Cast external matters from your mind when you stand to pray. Carefully prepare your heart in the presence of the Holy One. Purify your thoughts and ponder your words before you utter them. In essence, he's telling you not to become one of those robots that goes to synagogue. Think about what you're saying; think about who you're standing next to; think about who you're praying to, and...

22:14Remove your mundane thoughts from your head. Stop thinking about the stock market, your job, your clients, your wife, or your kids. The food you're going to eat after, what you ate before, while you're studying Torah or praying to Hashem. Clean out your mind and talk to Hashem. Ask for something meaningful, like a good memory, so you can learn Torah, knowledge of Torah, so you can actually know Torah and teach it one day. And... People ask for money; people ask for shtuyot all day. Ask for something meaningful. Conduct yourself in these ways in all your endeavors, for as long as you live, and this way you will surely avoid transgressions. Your words, actions, and thoughts will be flawless. This way you will surely avoid transgression. Your words, actions, and thoughts will be flawless. Your prayer will be pure, clear, sincere, and pleasing to God, blessed be He, as it is written: "When You prepare their heart to concentrate, You are attentive to their prayers." Read this letter once a week and neglect none of it.

23:21He said, neglect none of it. Nine hundred years ago—imagine today—fulfill it, and in so doing, walk with it forever in the ways of Hashem, may He be blessed, so that you may succeed in your ways and merit the World to Come that lies hidden for the righteous. Every day that you shall read this letter, Heaven shall answer your heart's desires. This is Kodesh Kodeshim. A person that literally reads this letter every week is already doing something significant. Understanding the words on their own is beneficial, but I believe taking it a step further involves reading some of the commentaries and understanding the deeper meaning of each of the verses. Now we just read the letter superficially. We understood a little bit. It's great. It's amazing. But once you understand the deeper meaning of each one of those verses and what's written in there, it changes your life. You should read this every day for the rest of your life. It's one of my wife's and my favorite readings. And I'm telling you, this type of learning is the only way. It's the only way for you to eliminate anger and other bad character traits because it forces you to check yourself.

24:35forces you to check yourself, and once you start checking, you realize you're not so great. You have to work on yourself. Now, being sick is not a problem; denying that you're sick is a problem. Denying that you're sick is a problem.